Pressing Issues (perception)

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In dit deel is het onderwerp perception, perceptie. De gasten die uitgenodigd zijn om hierover te discussiëren zijn Jenny Louise Crab, Konstantinos Smith en Jeremy Robard


Jonathan Freeloader: "I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was."
Michelle Montanius: "Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonathan!"
Jonathan Freeloader: "Wow! Thanks, Michelle! It is, isn't it? Before we let you get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30.= this hour, which should keep us on the air for another fifteen minutes at least."
Michelle Montanius: "Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Dileo and Furax, the fascinating show Legal Review, will still run. But now, back to Pressing Issues."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Actually before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you: it is. And not just because I say so, look at the facts! Fifteen of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel prize winners started out in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered gravity, or the pizza, or the fact that a lot of people love to hear themselves rattle. Anyway, sermon over. I hope you folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio and it has nothing to do with the fact that I got kicked off the networks."
Michelle Montanius: "That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to Pressing Issues. Where is the creep? Put him on!"
Maurice Chavez: "Hello. As you may know, you're on VCPR, and this is Maurice Chavez. That is, I am Maurice Chavez. That's 'Chavez'. Not 'Chaves', or 'Chaviz'. This isn't a game show. Sorry about the upbeat opening. This isn't a game show. It's a political and social debate on free radio, without adverts. And I am still Maurice Chavez. Hi. Next up on Pressing Issues, we tackle one of the most important issues in our country today. The issue of perception. Not credit card fraud. That's deception. But we're talking about perception. How we perceive the world. These are optimistic times we're living in. A time of go-getters and doers. Our hero is the entrepreneur. The shaker and the maker. Positive thinking, we are told, is everything. Think it, and we can do it. Or can we? Let's Press the Issue. Now personally, somedays, I wake up, and I look out the window, and I think that it's great to be alive. Other days, like payday of my ex-wife's birthday, I want to hide under the pillows and cry. But that's me. A man of contradictions, as my therapist said. He was a Jungian, but whatever. I'm Maurice Chavez, and on our panel right now, we've got three very contrasting views about the issue of positive thinking. On my right, I have gothic artist, vampire hunter, and, in his words, man of the night, Konstantinos Smith. Konstantinos, hello."
Konstantinos Smith: "Greetings, mortal. I hope this is good. I'm missing a seance to be here."
Maurice Chavez: "You don't sound excited to be here."
Konstantinos Smith: "No, man. I'm mind-numbingly depressed. It's great."
Maurice Chavez: "Okay! I'm going to have to interrupt you there. And, on the left, I have positive thinker extraordinair. A man who dragged himself up from the gutter. Jeremy Robard."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, the ghetto, not the gutter. I didn't live in the gutter. I lived in the ghetto. I'm a survivor, not vermin. I'm from the streets."
Maurice Chavez: "Okay!"
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, I can teach you how to be a survivor, too. All of you. I can help everyone. I've got what they call a gift for communications. I can help you all realize that gift, make something of yourselves, realize your dreams. I'm like a high school counsellor. I'll show you your potential. It's easy. All you have to do is follow my simple program on audio cassette or VHS."
Maurice Chavez: "Okay, okay, not right now. This isn't a commercial, and if you're not going to underwrite the station, I can't let you read this blatant plugs. People pay for that."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, everything in life is an opportunity. When I was in jail, I got the idea for my current business. And look at me now. I got offices in Vice City, Bogotá, Lebanese, and Jamaica. If I can do it, I can help you make something of yourself. You can be just like me, a success."
Maurice Chavez: "Hey, enough, enough, no more. Not a word from you until you are called upon again."
Jeremy Robard: "It's a three stage process: Learn, Start, Doing."
Maurice Chavez: "Eh, shut up! I'm warning you, this my show. You shut your mouth. Shut it now and keep it shut. Do not push me, you shiny-suited prick. Do not push me!"
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, you have to dress to impress. I cover that in my program. People make judgements on who you are, based on your appearance. Scientists say we form 98 percent of our opinions on a person in the first day or second that we meet them. Hey, and if scientists say it, it must be true. I teach you how to live that."
Maurice Chavez: "Enough! This is Pressing Issues. Enough now, okay? Enough. Please, no more. Okay, my last panellist is someone without a plan to sell. Without a program, but with a beautiful message, so it says here. Vice City's Civilian of the Year for 1985, Jenny Louise Crab."
Jenny Crab: "Hi, Maurice. This is such a lovely studio."
Maurice Chavez: "Thanks. How are you doing?"
Jenny Crab: "Great. Great! In fact, I'm fantastic. Did you see the sunrise this morning? It was gorgeous. I've been smiling all day ever since!"
Maurice Chavez: "Okay. Now let's get with the policy of ladies first, and since you seem to be the most pleasant person here, Jenny, let's start with you. You seem like a very happy person."
Jenny Crab: "Oh, I am!"
Maurice Chavez: "Really? Why?"
Jenny Crab: "Well, life's great, isn't it? I mean, good things come my way because I hold each one close, because I deserve it."
Konstantinos Smith: "I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plaque. Jenny's living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for what it is. Dark songs of the night, black nail polish, and very tight black jeans, man."
Jenny Crab: "Like, everything is great, well, like, like, well, like everything!"
Maurice Chavez: "Konstantinos, you're shaking your head."
Konstantinos Smith: "I know, Maurice, I am."
Maurice Chavez: "Any particular reason?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Yeah."
Maurice Chavez: "What, then?"
Konstantinos Smith: "There's only one thing good about life."
Maurice Chavez: "Uh huh, and what that?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Death."
Maurice Chavez: "Death?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Yeah, and dying. That's good, too. And black. And the moon. At least when you're dead, you can go around as an astrobody, and visit places like New Orleans. I love New Orleans. It really hot and depressing."
Jenny Crab: "Oh, death is good."
Maurice Chavez: "Is it?"
Jenny Crab: "Yeah!"
Maurice Chavez: "What, if you're going to inherit a lot of money?"
Jenny Crab: "Yeah, no, I mean, yes. But also if you can be positive and upbeat about things. I mean, like my parents were brutally murdered a few years ago, yeah, and I was really bothered, but I kept smiling, and I got a lot out of it. I'm a much better person today having dealt with that. They were killed so I could have a great personal experience, and I see that now."
Konstantinos Smith: "Lucky bastards! I wish someone would kill me. Then I could hang out in the graveyard all the time, instead of just on weekends."
Jenny Crab: "I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to learn about life. You can't control everything in life, so start the day with a smile, and you'll end the day with one."
Maurice Chavez: "What do you start a day with, Konstantinos?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Usually with a pint of blood at dusk, then I light some candles and cry."
Maurice Chavez: "O-kay, moving on, before we are all sick."
Konstantinos Smith: "No, Maurice, I do, because I won't be constrained by you. Life is cheap, man, and then you die. If you prepare for the afterlife now, you will be able to summon spirits. That's the truth of the pentagram, man."
Maurice Chavez: "How profound. You obviously have a lot of important things to tell the world."
Konstantinos Smith: "The world is a lie, man. Only darkness is truth. I am very much like Vlad Dracu, born in Sexora, 1431."
Jenny Crab: "You're scaring me. I wish you would smile and be happy."
Maurice Chavez: "Okay, right, this isn't going that well. Hey, look..."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, can I say something?"
Maurice Chavez: "No. I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad wearing scheister!"
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, hey, hey! Back down, buster, before I bust your balls. No confrontation. As they say in the movies, I'm a man of peace. I'm done killing. Work with me."
Maurice Chavez: "What do you want? A broken nose? Some spit in your eye? You're pushing me, man. I'm Maurice Chavez."
Jeremy Robard: "I know who you are. You used to be a clown. I saw you at a bar mitzvah once. You had a great act. What, did you get tired of kids kicking you in the shin? Still, you were a first-class talent."
Maurice Chavez: "I was?"
Jeremy Robard: "Yes, yes, great. But you lacked something."
Maurice Chavez: "I did?"
Jeremy Robard: "Yeah. Confidence, friend. Confidence. You were all shot up with nerves."
Konstantinos Smith: "I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid."
Maurice Chavez: "That can be arranged. We're talking about me, not mister Konstantinos Smith."
Jeremy Robard: "Yes, confidence. It's where it all begins. Positive thinking. What are we talking about today, Maurice?"
Maurice Chavez: "I forget. Morality, oh no. Violence, oh, no. That Barry guy without any clothes. Yes, you're right. Positive thinking."
Jeremy Robard: "Exactly, friend. We're talking about you, Maurice Chavez. You couldn't cut it as a clown, but you're great, and I mean great, as a public radio host. It take a lot of work to be up uppity and be self-important all the time. Every cab I go in, the guys love you."
Maurice Chavez: "Hey, thanks."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself. You've learned something, then you started something, and now you're doing it. That's what it's all about."
Maurice Chavez: "It is?"
Jeremy Robard: "Yes. You thought your way to success. It's a three step program, based on studying successful people. Like me. Or maybe Learn, Start, Doing is too intense for you. Maybe you should just Think, Hold that Thought, Complete. I never had anyone complain about that program."
Maurice Chavez: "Stop that."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, I engage with you, friend, and you're exchanging with me. I cover this in my second tape. One is an positive action as practised by successful people like salesmen or prostitutes, and the other is a negative action as practised by failures like whinos and judges."
Maurice Chavez: "What?"
Jeremy Robard: "Stop interrupting me. You got to open your ears and close your mouth. It's very important, I tell my old lady that all the time. I say, 'Hey, I don't wanna hear no complaining. I come home with piles of cash every night and all you do is bitch.' The learning starts in here, and ends when we open this. Doing is a whole other story, but we'll come to that. Now all you have to do is call me right away at 866-434-SELF, and for just one monthly payment, I will change your life forever, I promise you. I'll supply you with all the materials you'll need to completely change the way you see the world, guaranteed."
Maurice Chavez: "Oh, stop, stop right now. This is a debate program, not an infomercial."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, that's a great idea. Listen, friend. I mean this in a friendly way. Debating is a yes and no proposition. You need to open your mind to the maybes. We're discussing like friends, not debating like enemies. You see the difference?"
Jenny Crab: "Yes, I do. I think it's so much fun to be on the radio. I'd listen more, but someone stole my radio when they killed my foster family."
Konstantinos Smith: "I hate everyone, apart from the undead. They're the only ones you can really get along with."
Jeremy Robard: "Well, that's a start. But even you, mister long hair and pale skin, I can change your outlook, guaranteed."
Jenny Crab: "That's so great, like puppies!"
Konstantinos Smith: "I saw some dead puppies once."
Jenny Crab: "Aw!"
Maurice Chavez: "Konstantinos, I've noticed you have a lot of negative thinking. Why the goth lifestyle?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Well, some say life is a tea party for zombies. Also, when you only wear black, everything matches. In fact, I'll keep wearing black until something darker comes along. It's a known fact that the best poetry is written when you're horribly depressed."
Jenny Crab: "Hey, listen, I wrote a haiku. Oh, the red daisy. Flowers retain all happiness. Sunshine, yay! Sunshine!"
Jeremy Robard: "You'd sound like you'd enjoy my program Motivate, Demonstrate, then Motivate Again. Nobody ever complained about that program. You hug people and you laugh like you never laughed before."
Maurice Chavez: "Let's get back to the topic at hand, eh? I had enough of this weirdness. Jenny, let's start with you. How do you maintain such a positive outlook on life? It says in your file that some awful things have happened to you."
Jenny Crab: "I don't think anything awful has happened to me."
Maurice Chavez: "But it says you your parents were brutally murdered."
Jenny Crab: "Mommy? Where's mommy? She's just fine. She's probably taking a nap. You're like my bad doll, Mr. Livingston. He's a bad doll, bad doll! Not like my other dolls. My mom's great though, thanks for asking."
Maurice Chavez: "Okay, wow! You're psychotic, and dosed up to the eyeballs on tranquillizers."
Jenny Crab: "If it's psychotic to be happy, then I guess I am!"
Konstantinos Smith: "A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years. That's slow and painful. That's how I want to live my life. If you can't see the misery, stay out of the kitchen. You may have noticed this arm tattoo? It's Egyptian, and it represents the breath of life given in the afterworld. It's my key to eternal life after death."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, why don't you carry your keys in your pocket like everyone else?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Because only that which is burned or scratched into your flesh comes with you to the afterlife."
Jeremy Robard: "I bet my ex-wife will be there waiting for me in the afterlife. The bitch is crazy. Hey, can you put a hex on my ex-wife, like some kind of spooky voodoo or something?"
Konstantinos Smith: "I do dabble in the dark arts and magic."
Jeremy Robard: "I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or pulling quarters out of your ears. I'm talking voodoo. You know, dance around with a chicken voodoo. That bitch was a grass."
Konstantinos Smith: "Why does everyone assume that just because we're goths, we're weird?"
Jeremy Robard: "I don't know. The hood, cane, black fingernail polish may have something to do with it. When was the last time you seen the sun?"
Konstantinos Smith: "It's been over eighteen years since I was out in open sunlight. I only leave the house if it's raining, or if I need milk."
Jeremy Robard: "Exactly! Listen, I was just like you at one time, except I didn't wear make-up. That would get you a firm beating where I grew up. I'm happy to give you a sample of my course Learn, Start, Doing. I promise you'll run out and buy some colored clothing, and listen to some music other than people groaning on and on for half an hour about how much it rains in Manchester. Life is what you make of it. Look at me. I got a condo, a hot tub, a lot of girls."
Konstantinos Smith: "Listen, you're really bringing me down, which is hard to do. I've been to the other side many times. Sometimes, I barely come back. It's all about astroprojection. Like right now, I'm projecting myself into the women's bathroom at the fairgrounds."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, that's a good trick. Maybe you and I should go into business together."
Maurice Chavez: "Oi, look, I've had enough of this love fest. You, you're a motivational conman, and you, you are a maniacally depressed loony with anaemia. You guys should hate each other."
Jenny Crab: "Did you say Love Fist? Those guys are so super. Listen, I just wrote another poem. If I had a flower for every time I I think of you, I'd walk forever in a garden."
Maurice Chavez: "And I just wrote a poem, too. Shut up, you weird, pathetic people. This is my show, Maurice Chavez. Capeech? Comprende? We are not here to recite poetry or sell motivation tapes or talk to dead people. We are here to press the issue. Anyway, let's take a break. We'll be right back after this important information from Vice City Public Radio."
Michelle Montanius: "That's Pressing Issues here on VCPR, Vice City Public Radio. If you haven't given money to VCPR, and you're listening to this station, you are a thief."
Jonathan Freeloader: "That's right, Michelle. You might as well as throw a brick through the window and loot the place. How selfish you people are? This is public radio, serving the public, with everything that is important. Like me. So come on, keep us on air. It's really important."
Michelle Montanius: "Send us your money. I'm going to say this over and over until you do."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Yes. Michelle is known for her beg-a-thon tantrums. She cares about this station, unlike you. Think of how much money you spend on drive-through fast food and comemorative plates. Take that money right now, and send it, direct to me, Jonathan Freeloader, Starfish Island, Vice City. Now back to the show, with Maurice Chavez, the asshole."
Michelle Montanius: "You're correct. He is an asshole."
Maurice Chavez: "I'm Maurice Chavez. Welcome back. I used to be a performance clown. Now, I'm running a debate show. Funny how things turn out, eh? Or is it? That's the question, you see? If we look upon life as a positive experience, do we make it any better? That's what we're discussing right now here on Pressing Issues. Free radio, with free ideas. Just keep those donations pouring in. Don't sell out to corporations. We all need a voice. Really, we do, and today, right now, we're giving a voice to three very different people discussing positive thinking. A healthy mental attitude. We got a goth-depressive, we've got a very happy orphan. And we got a motivational speaker with a number of systems. So let's start with you Konstantinos, you strange, creepy, creature of darkness. Have you got a positive mental attitude?"
Konstantinos Smith: "I like to think so."
Maurice Chavez: "Oh, really?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Misery and suffering? It's everywhere, man. And I actively want a fatal disease. What bad can possibly happen to me?"
Maurice Chavez: "You could win the lottery?"
Konstantinos Smith: "The lottery? That's for people with hope. I don't enter the lottery."
Maurice Chavez: "You could... Damn, you two, help me here."
Jenny Crab: "I think he's great. I think he's really sweet. I love your hair. It reminds me of a big, shaggy dog with long, greasy, straight hair."
Jeremy Robard: "You know, Chavez, this weird goth guy? He's got a point. I mean, in many ways, what he's talking about is covered in my three step program, tape 17. Motivate, Demonstrate, then Motivate Again, part 9: Facing home truths. You see, we all have to face up to a few home truths. I'll never be prom queen. Jenny will never have her parents. You'll never make it in the entertainment business. It's about realistic goals. I can change your life."
Maurice Chavez: "Now, now just a second, Robard. What isn't covered in your three-step program? What don't you talk about in your Library of Congress sized tape cassette library? Whatever we talk about: greed; goths; depression; changing lives... Who are you? What have you done that's so great? You wear a cheap suit, your hair is stuck rigid with spray, you're breath stinks of whisky. You look like you sell drugs to people. You're a joke, buddy, a bad joke."
Jeremy Robard: "Oh, now this is getting personal. I come on your cheap-ass show, I spare my valuable time, I cancelled several important speaking engagements. I talk to thousands of VIPs in order to spread a message of hope. And this is how I get treated. I get insulted by a man with dandruff, I get slandered by a guy who couldn't amuse a birthday party of nine year olds, I get attacked by a guy who works on a volunteer radio."
Maurice Chavez: "This is not volunteer radio. I earn a salary!"
Jeremy Robard: "How much? How much do you earn, Chavez? Big man, tough guy with a microphone and a cheap jacket, and a look that says, 'my highest hope in life is to work in a bookstore.' I'm a go-getter. You're a cheapskate."
Maurice Chavez: "You're a fraud with nothing to tell people. And no way of helping people."
Konstantinos Smith: "Excellent. I'm really loving this. I hope one of them gets killed."
Jeremy Robard: "Shut up, dork!"
Jenny Crab: "All the bunnies are stabbing each other!"
Jeremy Robard: "Shut up! I have a condo, I have a hot tub, I've vacationed in Aruba."
Maurice Chavez: "Vacation is not a verb, moron."
Jeremy Robard: "Yes it is, because I'm a VIP. I'm very important. And I'm a teacher. A wise man. Not an opinionated dope, a naysayer sitting on the side of life, criticizing others, when all he can do is get a crappy gig down at a moron station. A man who lives with his mother."
Maurice Chavez: "I'm between apartments."
Jeremy Robard: "And I'm between mansions, buster. From helping people. Do you know how good how it feels to be me? Do you have any idea? Any idea at all how great it feels to wake up and realize you're a rich and talented and important person and in a waterbed with mirrors on the ceiling and more girls than you can imagine? And every time I step outside the door, I can choose which car to drive, if I choose to drive. I have five chauffeurs."
Maurice Chavez: "No, you haven't."
Jeremy Robard: "Yes, I have."
Jenny Crab: "Sweep it under the carpet, that's my motto. If I can't see it, it's not there."
Maurice Chavez: "Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very small apartment overlooking the gas works. You ain't a big shot. You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole. A creepy jailbird who doesn't know the first..."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, I have a message. I can save lives. I'm a saviour, my friend. I have a gift for communication, and this is how I get treated. I get insulted, I get paired with a pair of retards: a guy who's afraid of the sun, and a girl dosed up to the eyeballs on anti-depressants. Sweetheart, I can get you something much better."
Jenny Crab: "These pills are very strong today. Maybe I took too much accidentally. Oh well!"
Jeremy Robard: "This chick is out of her mind. I thought I was going to get to help people on the radio. To demonstrate my program. To help you, Chavez. Those people on the phones said you were a desperate, lonely man on the edge."
Maurice Chavez: "Leave! Leave right now! Get out of my studio. Go get your own radio show. Go save some other people."
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, I'm not leaving until I have the opportunity to save people, and sell some tapes. You can call right now and send in the money order. Soon, you can have a luxury condo and a waterbed, and a suit made in Singapore based on the latest Italian style."
Maurice Chavez: "Enough! Enough now! Shut up!"
Jeremy Robard: "Hey, vampire boy, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can put a hex on Chavez."
Konstantinos Smith: "Dark forces, I summon you to me, banish these weaklings and mental inferior ones from my presence."
Maurice Chavez: "Shut up!"
Jeremy Robard: "No, you little snotty-nosed prick."
Maurice Chavez: "What?!"
Jeremy Robard: "You're shoes got lifts, buster, I can tell."
Maurice Chavez: "Eh, lift this, hairspray!"
Jeremy Robard: "Ow, my nose!"
Jenny Crab: "Daddy, stop bleeding!"
Jeremy Robard: "This costs a lot of money. I'll sue you into jail, asshole."
Jenny Crab: "Stop fighting, please! I hate it when we fight! Can't we have a group hug?"
Konstantinos Smith: "Hit me, man. I like it!"
Jeremy Robard: "Ow, my damn nose."
Maurice Chavez: "Ah, stop crying, baby boy. Who you gonna tell, hm? Where's you're three-step program now? You think I'm a little wimp now? You want to be rude about Pressing Issues now, eh? You think you a tough guy from the gutter now, eh, my friend? You think you can screw with me? With Maurice Chavez? What you thinking, asshole?"
Jeremy Robard: "Ah, I'm sorry. Please don't hit me again. I love your show."
Maurice Chavez: "Eh. Well, I think I understand this positive thinking. And that was Pressing Issues. I think we covered a lot of ground. We learned all about how to press the issue. And remember, if at first you don't get hurt, beat the guy very hard in the face with a paperweight. It just worked for me, and I feel like a million dollars. Let's tell you a little bit more about exactly how public radio is financed and quality programs like Pressing Issues come on the air. Don't go away!"
Michelle Montanius: "That was Pressing Issues, and this is Vice City Public Radio. We hope you're enjoying this show as much as you're about to enjoy listening to me and Jonathan Freeloader."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Hello, everybody."
Michelle Montanius: "Hi, Jonathain. How are you?"
Jonathan Freeloader: "Heartbroken, Michelle."
Michelle Montanius: "Why, Jonathan, why?"
Jonathan Freeloader: "Well, because it seems people just don't care anymore. I mean, where are people's priorities? We have campaigned tirelessly for public radio for literally months now, and the station is still in trouble. But a man with a hygiene problem puts on a pop concert, and suddenly everyone has money to hand over to starving kids they've never even met. I think it's a disgrace."
Michelle Montanius: "Yes. People are very shallow."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Like you?"
Michelle Montanius: "Exactly like me. But radio is much more important than food. I have a good mind not to let them back into Pressing Issues this time. You have to give us some money. It is a... It's a disaster, that's what it is. What's wrong with you people? Please. We're struggling to pay for our second homes here."
Jonathan Freeloader: "And I've only had three vacations this year."
Michelle Montanius: "You poor, poor man. Let's get on with the show. Remember, call now. Please. We need your money. Urgently."
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