Pressing Issues (GTA Vice City Stories)

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Jonathan Freeloader And speaking of fatherhood: Next is a man who has listeners and some of the staff laughing through tears. Maurice Chavez, with Pressing Issues:
Maurice Chavez OK… Hello and welcome to the show. This is Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. At one time, my show was buried in overnights, but now, I am a man on the way up. Today, helping me to press the issue, and separate the sweet juice of truth from the pulpy discharge of lies and misunderstanding, we have technologist Martin Graves. Eh first Martin, please explain to every person listening at home, what on earth a technologist is?
Martin Graves Uh hello Maurice. I’m all about the future, and about how technology has the power
Maurice Chavez That, that, that is very interesting Martin but let me finish my introductions first, ok? This is, this is my show, a public service to Vice City. Like the man who takes your dead poodle, and mounds it on the commemorative flag at Best Offers. But how can we worry about our elderly family members or dogs sodding themselves, when there are nuclear missiles, aimed at Vice City? It is well known, Vice City is prime target, as the Russians hate our speedboat culture and enormous melons. But enough of orange and allergies for the moment.
Martin Graves Uh… ok… So a technologist is
Maurice Chavez <interrupts>I’m sorry, (Martin: “You keep cutting me off, that’s not…”) there are the people on the FM and I said, I SAID… you should press the issue my friend, and not stroke your ego, ok?
Martin Graves I don’t like that.
Maurice Chavez Please, where do they get these people, eh? OK, next up, we have Americas favourite female industrialist Forbes Waverly III. Hello Forbes.
Forbes Waverly III Hey, Chavez, can we get on with this? There’s a real estate closing I have to get to. Has someone got a light?
Maurice Chavez Certainly, and my, those are very empowering cigarettes! Interesting name by the way, kind of manly. Not exactly gender specific, but hey; what do I know?
Forbes Waverly III Nothing, clearly.
Maurice Chavez Moving on, finally on our little panel of experts, here to press the issue, we have a woman who is a local activist. Attending every city council meeting to mouth off. Intense public activist: Bryony Craddock:
Bryony Craddock Hello.
Maurice Chavez Nice to meet you Bryony. You know, I can’t help but notice you are wearing a half shirt and have a large belly. Are you by any chance pregnant?
Bryony Craddock Uh, yes, obviously? Look at me, what do you think? That I was just a fat bitch? Typical patriarch.
Maurice Chavez Hey hey hey ok ok… hold your temper there. You know, to my people, fertility is very important.
Martin Graves The Aztecs all went sterile from UFOs. I’ve read it in a book.
Forbes Waverly III Who is this guy?
Maurice Chavez Yeah…. Thank you, eh, mister great there, and goldfish live in trees.
Martin Graves Welcome.
Maurice Chavez Ok, as I was saying, a pregnant woman is very beautiful. Is it your first?
Bryony Craddock Uh, no dumbass, it’s my 16th..
Maurice Chavez 16?!
Bryony Craddock Yeah.
Maurice Chavez Oh lord! And as my people say: The grand canyon is a very big place, and if you’re going, please, take a flashlight. Are you not worried about overpopulating?
Bryony Craddock Well, someone’s gotta make sure we aren’t overrun. Plus, I’m producing nothing but top quality offspring, Mo. Please.
Maurice Chavez Hey, excuse me. It’s Maurice, please. Ok, not Mo. I’m not a farmer. I’m trying to build a career here. A reputation, a pathway that will take me all the way to the Pulitzer.
Martin Graves You know, a public radio cannot influence policy makers.
Maurice Chavez I don’t know what can?
Bryony Craddock Bribes, blackmail…blowjobs…
Maurice Chavez Yes, yes yes, debate debate, debate please.
Martin Graves Wow.
Maurice Chavez Healthy debate. A young idea, getting pulled into maturity by people who know. Goal getters on the path to being broadcasted superstars. One day, I will be a news anchor at a major station. Let’s press the issue.
Bryony Craddock What issue?
Maurice Chavez I was getting to that. Ok listen, all of you. The show is only works if you let me speak. I’m the ring master, ok? You are the lions; you clap like seals when I say something. And then a clown comes and scoops up my poop, and then the children clap and this, this my friends, is show business. So, let me do my bitch, ok?
Bryony Craddock You are so rude. I’m a mother, I take priority.
Maurice Chavez Please, miss, let us press the issue first, and fall out later ok? Now, in today’s hectic society, in this age of mini portable filing systems you carry everywhere so you know the date and phone number. Of high-tech wrist watches with digital readout. In this crazy time of condominium development, and junk that has been turned into buns: Anything is possible. American workers are drunk. Factories are shutting down. Youths, wearing leather moccasins and piercing their ears. And even the family itself is under thread.
Bryony Craddock Dear god, no.
Maurice Chavez Yes, and, as that drag queen in Britain said: “There is no such thing as society.” So let’s press the issue. Mother life in 1984. Crazy, or what?
Forbes Waverly III Is that it?! Modern life, crazy or what?! That’s an issue? You are so pathetic, mister Hola man. I was told we were here to discuss labour issues. To discuss deregulating the corporate shackles that are strangling this town. What kind of pathetic loser/journalist are you?
Maurice Chavez Yeah take another drag of your sticky Waverly. You know, you make me shiver the way you look at me, like I shiver in the bathroom looking down at the urinal. And I say: “Man, that’s a lot of men’s hair.” Then I say: “Maurice, you are packed full of testosterone. You are massive!”
Forbes Waverly III Ewww
Maurice Chavez Is it just me or is it just this angle? What was she talking about? My little boy got the job done. But you know what? I’m drifting. The fact remains they are the same thing: For the working man, too much work. For the fat cat, or in your case, very thin and sexless, nicotine stain cat. Too many regulations. The working man wants spare time and spare money to indulge his hobbies, like strip clubs and alcoholism. While the fat cat wants increased profits to pay for divorces. And having uncooperative spouses killed. How do we use modern technology such as the enormous shoulder pad or the Espadril. To make live better eh? Not worse. Martin Graves, you work in the field of technology. What do you think?
Martin Graves I’m, I’m glad that finally… ‘cause I’ve been here. I think the single most incredible thing in the whole universe is the human spleen. A part from the…
Forbes Waverly III Please, somebody shut him up!
Martin Graves Miss… don’t be angry. We have the power to save ourselves and technology is the solution. In less than 5 years manual labour will be entirely obsolete.
Maurice Chavez I have no idea what you’re saying. Go on.
Martin Graves Uhm <trying to say something in Spanish, badly>, I’ll, I’ll get a dictionary. Uh, shops will be staffed by robots. Coal will be mined by robots. Dogs will be worked by robotic cats. Even dogs themselves will be robotic. And if you think you want a baby, but don’t know for certain, you’ll have a robot baby you can build and raise instead. It will drink oil instead of milk.
Forbes Waverly III You’re a robot. That’s great for the economy!
Martin Graves I wish I were a robot.
Bryony Craddock That’s atrocious. That is inhumane sir.
Martin Graves You’re very narrow, because you’re from low income.
Bryony Craddock Excuse me?
Martin Graves Nonsense, because it is already happening, in Japan or Australia! Did you know one of two babies born last year in Sweden, was a robot. And the rest already act like them! They have the happiest society on the planet.
Bryony Craddock How are they making these ro… What are you talking about?
Martin Graves I’m… I feel like I’m alone in this room. Do robots ever top themselves? Do… are they ever on top? They’re usually bottom. Do robot women ever spend all their money on shoes and complain about how you empty < ????> 5000 dollars to own the feature. And electronic future? They don’t have the conception! Do robots invent robotic religions?
Bryony Craddock No, but, but that’s not the point.
Martin Graves But nothing you silly little tiny person!
Bryony Craddock Excuse me?
Martin Graves Excused. What’s the difference between an electronic friend I make in my bedroom and the unnecessary foetus you’re carrying now. You both made them, who are you to say your method is better than mine? Who made you God, you…
Bryony Craddock You… you are revolting to use Gods name that way. How dare you speak to a pregnant woman like that.
Forbes Waverly III Oh shut up sweetheart. Stop it with that pregnancy stuff. So you’ve knocked out some puppies, good for you. You expect this little jerk with his midget dick to be nice to you? I don’t understand why this is even an issue. This country was founded on the fact that we should take land from whomever. In this case, alligators and swamp people.
Bryony Craddock What the hell?
Forbes Waverly III Florida is about development and I didn’t move down here from my beautiful Connecticut to have some hippies stand in the way of progress. My father ignored me throughout my childhood so that I could have loads of money and buy designer shoes and be mean to the help. I don’t have time to bang the help, much less be down and out for 9 months. Pregnancy ruins a body. Please, you can just tell by the looking at that enormous elephant thing across from me.
Bryony Craddock Ah, somebody get me some ice-cream. What do you know, what would you know about any of this? You are <???>
Forbes Waverly III And I’m helping the economy.
Bryony Craddock It is a vast wasteland in that uterine excuse for a body you have. I’m really not happy about the anti-family tone of this panel. Especially people who put mothers down. Mothers founded this country and covered wagons with full uteruses. If you didn’t have a mother, you would be a-sexual and then what would you do on Friday nights when you get lonely? Get a hooker like my husband? Split into two? Mitoses? I mean, you can’t raise a kid in this climate.
Forbes Waverly III Thank god!
Bryony Craddock These commercials these days lack little lacy surprise. It’s disgusting. It’s immoral.
Martin Graves I like that, I like that ad.
Maurice Chavez Certainly, it is a little vulgar.
Bryony Craddock Imagine charging that much for children’s underwear. It is impossible to keep my kids from mimicking what they see on TV. All youngest wants to do is scream and shout and kill foreigners!
Maurice Chavez What the hell is he watching?
Bryony Craddock He’s been watching the State of the Union Address…
Forbes Waverly III Good kid
Bryony Craddock … and thank God we campaign successfully to get Crow off the radio in this town. That album was indecent and I don’t like it. And nobody should be able to buy it ever.
Maurice Chavez Yes yes yes, but you know what? I quite like this album. It’s so moving. Sounds like “El Futuro Blanca”, “Shivers gotta Shive”. And “Wet Children in the Rain”, the one that got him in the most trouble, eh? But what IS art, perhaps someone explain that to me. You see, tossing tons of paint and chickens into a jet engine? Or is it leaving your friend behind, so you can make a lot of money? Like when Crow left Ambulance, so he could sing the tune of “Red Scare”. A song about a young woman in the middle of the Sovjet Burocracy, that is late for her period. We certainly are pressing the issue.
Bryony Craddock You know what, mister? That kind of trash doesn’t need to be on the radio. Especially songs about doing Yoga and how to make love for three days without coming. I don’t know what Aztec Jazz or Curl Jung is, but my kids shouldn’t be exposed to it.
Forbes Waverly III Well all of this sponging leaves to one thing: Unworkable economic systems. TV-shows with three boys and three girls sharing a bathroom. It’s obscene. In my house, where rich people live, we have six bathrooms per person. And only the men shower together.
Maurice Chavez Kinky.
Forbes Waverly III That’s how we were raised. You know what happens when you have collective ownership? A man will come use your tractor and your wife. And I’m not just talking about baking biscuits, sweetheart. I’m talking about making sure that butt in your oven is yours.
Bryony Craddock What?!
Forbes Waverly III About owning the oven, about owning the whole bakery.
Bryony Craddock Listen, I know it’s mine. I haven’t even left the hospital bed from delivering a baby and my husband is already on top of it. Wanting a new one…
Forbes Waverly III Oh Jesus,
Bryony Craddock Red-blooded American man with a full-working penis. He says he’s only attracted to me when I’ve got that motherly glow.
Martin Graves I think you are all getting a little too personal
Forbes Waverly III Excuse me?
Martin Graves Well, I’m just giving my opinion. I think you’re getting a little too personal for this. Gestation’s a lie. Science is… I… You should hear what they’re teaching young minds in science class in college. Homo-superior? Yeah right.
Forbes Waverly III Listen! Education should be privatised and I don’t care whose land we took. This is today, and it’s simply not fair that I can’t run Bingo and sell tax-free cigarettes in clear slumps. All because of some hideous, Puritanical streaking people. Religion has everything to answer for this.
Martin Graves Technology is my religion. For me, an electronic calculator is like the bible. People used to try to understand the universe through things like parables and abstract ideas. Now, we understand them completely with numbers. I can type things and turn the calculator upside down and spell words.
Maurice Chavez Now this is something I’d like to see.
Martin Graves Sure, and I know for a fact that life is completely pointless and meaningless. Uh, If I have an imaginary friend, I’d be put in a home. But if you let a man wear a dress and write a book about it, they call you a saint. Life is random, religion is for the weak, I could be killed tomorrow…
Forbes Waverly III Thank god
Martin Graves This woman right here could site on me with her stomach and kill me!
Bryony Craddock I have a painful hemaroid.
Martin Graves Whenever I think about killing people or when I write a computer program and hit delete, I know it is the end for those lines of code and quite frankly: That makes me feel good.
Maurice Chavez You’re a sad and lonely man. You have some very strange ideas. You should probably go into politics. Bryony, can technology really save the day? Is religion pointless?
Bryony Craddock It’s patriarchy this kind of talk. Calculators are a way of keeping women down. Just like slide rules were in the sixties of ruining families. Have you got a family Maurice?
Maurice Chavez In my opinion we are all one family. Really, especially in Utah.
Martin Graves Then you’ll have a lot in the car.
Bryony Craddock You know what mister? If you did you’d understand. This city has lost its soul. It used to stand for something. Now it’s just about real estate speculation and cocaine dealing and tax avoidance and gunfights.
Forbes Waverly III All vital parts of the economy.
Bryony Craddock What?
Forbes Waverly III What exactly did this place ever stand for?
Bryony Craddock For freedom my friend. For freedom. In a much controlled way. In which everyone is alike. And looks alike. And is just like me and could stand on there, front long, with a 12 gage shotgun. That is democracy.
Forbes Waverly III Stop talking!
Maurice Chavez So it would seem! Anyway, let’s take a quick break to discuss this station’s funding problem with Jonathan Freeloader. Over to you Jonathan.
Michelle Montanius It’s me
Maurice Chavez Oh hehe, hey Michelle.
Michelle Montanius Hello. So you haven’t got a family little turd?
Maurice Chavez No…hehe… what are you doing?
Michelle Montanius How many times do I have to tell you I’m pregnant you asshole?
Maurice Chavez Michelle, please.
Michelle Montanius Either marry me, or pay for me to have it sorted out, but don’t ignore me. I’m not some cheap slut you can treat like this.
Maurice Chavez Eh… but we are on radio my dear, this is hardly the time to
Michelle Montanius Hardly the time? What do YOU know about the time?
Maurice Chavez Michelle!
Michelle Montanius When I found you, you were a failing clown working the birthday party's circuit for juvenile delinquents in correction institutions, getting your clown hair set on fire. I have been in this business since you were making dogs out of balloons. I made you Maurice Chavez and you treat me like a lady of the evening?
Maurice Chavez We’re both consenting adults. You said no commitment.
Michelle Montanius I’m going to get you Chavez, you little shit! If it’s the last thing I do.
Maurice Chavez Please, Michelle. Ok, there, you see? Healthy debate. Give generously, it’s a great cause! I make Amiga salary
Michelle Montanius You revolt me!
Maurice Chavez Aw stick it, you self-righteous bitch! Maurice Chavez is done with you! I am going to have an agent! And maybe someday a car with T-Tops.
Forbes Waverly III This is a perfect example of why the government shouldn’t be funding the media. It gives people ideas above their station. This histrionic sow should be working in the fields, not giving people ideas they don’t need.
Maurice Chavez Such as?
Forbes Waverly III Such as holidays and sick-pay. If something is good for the economy, it’s good for the country. Period. Otherwise you must be Russian. Americans need more patriots; patriots carry guns and shoot British people on sight.
Martin Graves The British are obsolete. Like Fortran, I mean the metric system… Don’t make me puke. Britain. Haha. They measure things with rocks over there!
Bryony Craddock I just peed a little in my pants
Maurice Chavez Ok, ok, people. Hold on, what? What? Ok, I’m being told we are running out of time.
Martin Graves Seems so quick…
Maurice Chavez Yes. You know, I would like to keep going with this panel but as they say: If the elevator cable snaps, if your life-support machine fails and there’s a nuclear missile hurling towards your hometown, find a woman to hold. Even if she’s a frigent mess who only cares about draining the wetlands.
Bryony Craddock I wanna talk about the beauty of motherhood.
Forbes Waverly III Not again!
Bryony Craddock Many men find pregnant women attractive.
Maurice Chavez Yes, yes, but in the same way a car crash is sexy. But really, afterwards, all you are left with is a broken wreck and a bottle of antifreeze. And the muffler is like a placenta, I think. I dunno. But what I do know is: I am Maurice Chavez. This has been Pressing Issues and I think we have shown that liberal debate is well and healthy and living a lie in America. Martin Graves:
Martin Graves Thank you, my closing statement:
Maurice Chavez Eh, no. Technologist and future serial killer. Forbes Waverly. Hateful capitalist with absolutely no human soul and completely sexless. Bryony? B… Bryony?! Are, are you okay?
Bryony Craddock Do I look ok you dumb shit? I’m going into labour! Quick, somebody do something!
Maurice Chavez Dios mio!
Martin Graves I have a robotic thing for this!
Bryony Craddock My water broke!
Maurice Chavez That’s beautiful. Pressing Issues first vibration.
Forbes Waverly III I need a cigarette.
Bryony Craddock Good American water that broke.
Michelle Montanius Oh my god.
Martin Graves Just, just. Something’s wet on me
Maurice Chavez What, what, just relax
Forbes Waverly III I NEED a CIGARETTE! I can’t handle this!
Maurice Chavez Let it out
Michelle Montanius Her hemaroid just popped! Get out of here!
Martin Graves Does anyone have… Do you have any… uh
Bryony Craddock The head is crowning.
Michelle Montanius Ewww, that’s disgusting!
Maurice Chavez Someone get some balance, and really that’s all we got time for
Michelle Montanius Put it back in! Just let it back in!
Martin Graves Bry, this is sexy
Maurice Chavez She’s making a mess of my studio!
Michelle Montanius Get her out!
Maurice Chavez Dios Mio! This is some stressed out mess. I don’t even think I can look, it’s disgusting.
Bryony Craddock Ahhhhh!
A baby cries.