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Chatterbox FM (deel 4)

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Dit deel begint met een zeer komisch interview met Reed Tucker, de slissende, vegetarische ninja die uiteindelijk een gebroken pink oploopt. Verder belt Freddy nog even en krijgen we tenslotte niemand minder dan Toni Cipriani in de show, die het over zijn moeder wilt hebben.

Reed Tucker & the governments propaganda plan

Lazlow: "Alright, now joining us in the studio, we have a very special guest. His new book Karate and Digestion has been on top of the 100 best self-help books for the past three weeks. He is the founder of Now and Zen dojo and organic food market in Trenton, his name is Reed Tucker! [1] Welcome to Chatterbox, Reed!"
Reed: "Well, thank you Lazlow. It certainly is an honour to be here today."
Lazlow: "So tell me Reed, where did you think of the idea of combining martial arts and organic food, I... I mean it's kinda like putting ice-cream on pizza, both are great but they really shouldn't be put together."
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, actually it is nothing like ice-cream with pizza, ice-cream is milk-based as we all know, and I am lactose intolerant, and pizza, as you may know as well is a sandwich derivative of Italian origin, but I won't go on. Martial arts are about discipline, and physical empowerment, not watching football and eating junk-food. You have to explore your mind and your digestive system, Lazlow. What you put in... Also... comes out."
Lazlow: "Heh... Especially corn. What's the story with that anyway?"
Reed: "Lazlow, I'm deadly serious now. My mentor was a 430 year old monk, who showed me the way to enlightenment... Through carrot juice."
Lazlow: "Okay... If you have a question for Reed, we'll be taking calls in a little bit. I think we all went through a ninja period, you know, I had the Chinese stars, and the nunchucks..."
Reed: "This is not a period, Lazlow! This is the way of life! Thanks to a strict vegen diet, I have the power of nine men. After morning meditation and a three-bean salad, I could chop a bus in half! Sometimes... I even frighten myself!"
Lazlow: "Hehe... No offence, but you're kind of a scrawny, pasty dude, it... And it says on the inside cover of your book that you still live in your parent's basement!"
Reed: "Okay, it... It's not a basement! I prefer a center for spiritual enlightenment. In chapter 17 of my book, which I know you have read, I address the dangers of cynicism. Lazlow, a closed mind is like a closed fist! And karate means 'open hand'! But it might as well mean 'open mind.' If you like wheat-grass, I think you will really like my book."
Lazlow: "Well, I'm not a masticating cow, but I really don't enjoy chewing damp hay, and prancing around in leggings shouting 'hiya'!"
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, I'm warning you this time... Do not make me angry! It's bad for my karma, and it will definitely be bad for your karma. I studied the martial arts so I could stand up to bullies just like you! And I encourage everyone listening out there on Chatterbox to buy my book, and learn how organic food and martial arts can help you too!"
Lazlow: "Hehe... And I encourage anyone who needs a doorstop, or booster seat to buy it as well! Let's see who's on the phones."
Reed: "Lazlow, this is your final warning! Do not make me go into my... Dragon stance!"
Lazlow: "Heh... Hello caller, you are on the air."
Gast: "Hello Reed, I bought your book, it really saved my life."
Reed: "Well, thank you."
Gast: "I wanted to ask about chapter 29, Yoga, not yoghurt, I just can't give up cheese. It's so wonderful! I've rejected chocolate milk and calf's butter out of my life, I've scooted around the house with my legs in behind my head for two days now. Well my husband says I look like the chick in The Exorcist. I even put all the dairy on the top shelf in my fridge, so I couldn't reach it with my legs in behind my head and all, but I grow week and start knocking things down with a broom. What can I do, Reed?"
Reed: "Do not fear my child, we are all weak."
Lazlow: "Hehe, you certainly are!"
Reed: "Shut up, you carnivore! Why don't you go gnaw on a bone like a gorilla, Lazlow! Our ancestors didn't eat chicken wings, they lived at one with nature and their ecosystem. Existing on a diet of nuts, berries and leafy vegetables."
Lazlow: "Heheh, yes, and they threw stones at their own shadow and died of old age and fear at 24!"
Reed: "Lazlow, the soul is eternal. When I'm in trouble, or tempted by those 'all you can eat' breakfast buffets with huge pans of juicy bacon..."
Lazlow: "Can we get some bacon in here..?"
Reed: *zucht* "Lazlow, I go back to basics. I start the day with a fruity beverage, some meditation and six hours of yoga. Next I go open up my shop Now and Zen, and drink two pints of hand-pressed potato juice."
Lazlow: "And who wants a steak after that? Okay next caller, you are on Chatterbox with Reed Tucker."
Gast: "Yo Reed, Kung-Fu movies are dope! How can I learn to beat up ten guys at once?"
Reed: "Okay, first things first, my man. You need to stop the negative thinking. And the best attack I've found is to just run away. That way you instill fear in you opponent. They never know when you might descend from the rafters... Like a bat!"
Gast: "I don't want to hear about no tofu running away. I want to learn how to be a ninja, kicking people's asses!"
Reed: "Actually I do cover this early on in the book, in chapter 45. It's called Stir-fry your Prejudice. You see, I once thought like you before my master took me under his wing and taught me the joys of soy and origami. Concentration begins in the mind, and spreads to all the extremities of the body. You must use the language of the body, not the tongue! And the language of the body begins with raw, uncooked, organic vegetables. Just look at me, I could tear a phonebook in half with my bear toes! In fact, Lazlow, I could easily chop this desk into two half desks!!"
Lazlow: "This desk is made of two inch thick composite wood pulp, and has a mahogany veneer finish, it has three drawers and knowing this station cost a hundred dollars. In his own words, Reed Tucker is about to smash it into two half desks! Take it away Reed!"
Reed: "Ladies and gentlemen, I already visualized the desk in two half desks, and now, I shall make it so! Dragon stance! HIYAA!! OUCH! Oh Lazlow! Oh Lazlow! I think I hurt my hand! My... Pinky's all bent the wrong way!"
Lazlow: "Listen karate kid... the desk is still in one piece, thanks for coming on the show!"
Reed: "Okay Lazlow, mockery will get you nowhere! I think I'm gonna hit you now!"
Lazlow: "Oh... I bruise easily, don't throw any tofus or bean curds at me!"
Reed: "Okay, very funny Lazlow, it's easy to make fun of me but it's all the fault of the feng-shui in here, it's damn right disgraceful!"
Lazlow: "Yes it makes you talk like this! Okay, the listener lines are open, this is Chatterbox, you’re on the air!"
Gast: "Hey Lazlow. That last guy was a lunatic! Where'd you dig him up from, the state loony bin? And that wacko you had going on about killer bees? What a moron! I mean, just read a newspaper! Killer bees, the evils of artificial sweeteners in soda pops, Roswell[2]... It's all part of the governments propaganda plan! I might as well wear a satellite dish so they can beam their propaganda right into my brain! Common, you honestly believe the NSA's Echelon system[2] isn't already reading your e-mails and recording your phone conversations? It's all designed to frighten us so we don't complain about our rights being taken away and fighting whatever boogie-man they come up with today!"
Lazlow: "Er... Well... You realize that the government listens to this station and if they weren't playing particular attention to you before, they're probably gonna be following you now!"
Gast: "Oh yeah! Look they already got me once! But never again!"
Lazlow: "Heh... Do you have anything else to say?"
Gast: "Yeah! Free Kevin!"[2]
Lazlow: "Alright, we're talking about short guys, killer bees, the magna carta, chi... Ah, well, the red light on the wall's flashing which means the owner of this station has an important announcement to make. Let's go live to his office."
Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You are listening to a Love Media Station. Enjoy!"
Lazlow: "Wow man, that was deep! You know, I really like working here, this station... It feels like my second family. Hehe, except that we have a snack machine, and I tell ya', working here beats the hell outta digging sewage ditches outside Kuala Lumpur!"

Speak English!

Lazlow: "Alright, let's go to the phones! Hello caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Gast: "Lazlow man, I was listening to that English wimp you were talking to earlier, I mean, do these guys realize how wussy they sound? I mean, they... They have the nerve to call 'crackers', 'biscuits!' And they say 'aluminium,' instead of 'aluminum'. I mean, what's up with that? They all think they sound so smart with their little funny accent, I mean, I got something for 'em: speak English, ya limey morons!"
Lazlow: "Well you know, I think they were speaking English before we were! The people over here were speaking Shoshone and Cherokee!"
Gast: "Man, Cherokee-shmerokee, man! And another thing! What's up with them calling 'soccer', 'football'? Man, you ever watched soccer? Man, that's a boring game, man! I tell what soccer is! Soccer's for little girls man! Football, now that's an American sport! It teaches you good wholesome American values man, like stealing other peoples land by force and wearing tight pants while you do it!"
Lazlow: "Heh... What are you talking about?"
Gast: "I'm talking about being a man, Lazlow! Something you wouldn't know anything about by the sound of things. I tell ya, I bet you play wimpy stuff, like 'touch football', and basketball! 'Look, I'm running around the court bouncing the ball and I'm seven foot three!' I'm telling ya man, I only play man sports! Like football. And hopscotch."
Lazlow: "Hopscotch?! But... That's a girl's game!"
Gast: "Man, that ain't a girls game man! Not rugby hopscotch! Now get me in a scrum and I'm dangerous. I'd take anybody down! I'm the hopscotch master! I got fly skills at hopscotch, you know what I'm saying?"
Lazlow: "Yeah... I kinda see your point, but you'd be a little cranky too if your empire had fallen apart over the last hundred years! And speaking of commerce, it's time for some commerce here. Let's go to commercials, we'll be back after this."
Fernando's New Beginnings reclame
Fernando Martinez: "Has your marriage gone stale? Has the spark gone out of your love life? Looking to add a little adventure to the monotony of monogamy? Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, founder of Fernando's New Beginnings, a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. We understand how two kids and a mortgage can take the passion out of your life. With our three-step program, you'll rediscover romance... Guaranteed!"
Phil: "Hi, my name's Phil. I've got three kids, two cars and a mortgage. My love life was going stale, even before my wife's car accident! Then I called New Beginnings! Thanks to Fernando, I'm still married. But on Wednesday afternoons, I meet Barbara at the motel by the turnpike."
Fernando: "See? The passion, she is back. Phil's marriage, is saved. And his kids will have a daddy to look up to. Call 'New Beginnings' today: 555-9292. It will be a miracle, I guarantee it! 'Fernando's New Beginnings', we turn an ending... Into a new beginning!"
Petsovernight reclame
Kind: "Mom, there's a package for you."
Moeder: "But I didn't order anything! What's this? How sweet!" [blaffende hond] "Gee willekers! It's a puppy!"
Man: "Everybody loves a puppy! And now you can ship one anywhere, just by logging on to PetsOvernight.com! PetsOvernight.com: Delivering 'Little Bundles of Love', in a box, directly to your door." [blaffende hond]

Manners, nannies, the military & Toni Cipriani

Lazlow: "Man, who says that e-commerce isn't a brilliant idea? Alright speaking of brilliance, you're listening to Chatterbox, with me Lazlow, let's go over here to the phones and see what's plaguing Liberty City. Hello caller, you're on the air!"
Gast: "Wow, I got through! Uh, Lazlow, I think your last two callers are a perfect example of manners in this city! People are rude, and they don't seem to care about anything but themselves. Perfect example. The other day, I stopped at the store to pick up an exercise bar because I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. So I go up to pay, and the lady's like 'A dollar twenty-five please.' So I get out my cheque-book, and this guy behind me is like 'oh come on lady, you don't have two dollars?' And I said 'as a matter of fact... I don't! I spent my last two dollars last night buying gas at these ridiculous gas prices. And besides, who are you anyway? Can't you see that I'm wearing my I walked for the cure T-shirt?'[3] People are so inconsiderate!"
Lazlow: "Well, you'll get no argument from me, I mean, I get every inconsiderate moron in Liberty City calling into this show. I mean, people think that I have no feelings what-so-ever!"
Gast: "Exactly! Another perfect example! The other day, I'm over at the hospital to have my lunch with my girl friend Cherice, and this maniac comes right up on my bumper, flashing his lights, and I'm like 'hey guy, the light is red, you can't just come up behind me honking and flashing your lights!' Then he gets over this megaphone and says 'to the woman in the Maibatsu Monstrosity, please move to the side!' Can you believe it? I mean, who has a megaphone rigged into their car?! People are so obnoxious these days! And rude! I mean, I tell my nanny to teach my kids some manners."
Lazlow: "You know, I think that's a lesson to us all! Alright hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Freddy: "Hello Lazlow..." [4]
Lazlow: "...Uhm..."
Freddy: "Did that woman say she was a nanny? Because Freddy needs a nanny, because he's been a very naughty boy!"
Lazlow: "No! No nannies! Let's go to our next caller, alright."
James: "Colonel James T. United Stated Marine Corps Second Battalion. Lazlow, that caller made a really valid point. These kids today have no respect for authority! And there is one thing that would whip them into shape!"
Lazlow: "Heh... Let me guess: the military!"
James: "That's right. The military teaches you respect! Obedience, and it gives you a good pension! These kids that thought they were going to be millionaires, look where the super-information-highway has gotten them! Nowhere! It's a dead end! Uncle Sam takes care of his boys! And some girls! If more people would join the military this would be a better country! I tell you another thing about respect. These kids don't respect veterans, we fought for your freedom! When I came back from the Australian-American war [5], I didn't get a heroes welcome, I didn't get a pack on the back from my friends and neighbours saying 'thanks for fighting for our freedom, James!' After years of fighting in the trenches, I come back here and everyone's watching TV!"
Lazlow: "Now, I... Can you tell me what this Australian-American war was? I mean, I never really heard of it!"
James: "God, not another one! Have you read a history book lately son? The Australian-American war the was the biggest war since the big one! I tell ya, I didn't do two tours and take boomerang shrapnel in my head to come back here, and have a bunch of hippies deny our history! Those Aussies are ruthless! They even wired kangaroos with explosives... Come hopping in the camp and knock out ten guys!"
Lazlow: "Well thanks for the history lesson! Alright let's go over here. Hello caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Toni Cipriani: "Yeah? Is that Lazlow?"
Lazlow: "Yes it is. Who is this?"
Toni Cipriani: "My name ain't important! It's real un-important, okay?"
Lazlow: "Er... No, not really. I mean, this is a radio show, people usually tell us their name."
Toni Cipriani: "My name is real unimportant! If you wanna keep on being a wise-guy, you'll find out just how unimportant. Like... Unimportant-I-just-got-shot-in-the-head-unimportant! Do I make myself clear?"
Lazlow: "Er... Yes... Uh... Why are you calling in today?"
Toni: "Because I need some advice. And I ain't doing any of that shrink shit!"
Lazlow: "Er... If you swear again, we're gonna have to cut you off. This is a family show."
Toni Cipriani: "Sorry, sorry, sorry... I'm... I'm just a little unhappy, a bit agitated. Real angry. It's my ma! She don't think I'm a real man. Can you imagine that? I mean, I do a man's job an all, but, she treats me like a little boy! All I get is 'your pa' this and 'your pa' that and "You ain't a real man, Toni!" and it's driving me... Freakin' nuts!"
Lazlow: "Well, Toni..."
Toni Cipriani: "Toni? How'd you know my name was Toni? You tracing this call? 'Cos if you are, you're gonna get real intimately acquainted with what your brains look like! My name ain't Toni, okay?"
Lazlow: "Uh... Okay."
Toni Cipriani: "But my ma, she keeps going 'Toni, Toni, be a real man, stand up for yourself, don't take no shit!' But all I do is to be a good son, and I want her to show that she cares for me! Show that she loves me! And you know, say I was a good kid! But, it seems like nothing's ever good enough for her, you know what I mean? What do I do?"
Lazlow: "Well Ton... I mean sir... You know in life we have a lot of obligations, and we just have to kinda... Face up to them... And right now, I'm obligated to play some commercial announcements. We'll be back right after this!"
Pogo the Monkey reclame
Vrouw: "We've got a new friend for everyone!"
Pogo: "Iek! Iek! Iek!"
Vrouw: "He's got fur, and a tail, he gets in lots of trouble, but he's a bouncy little fellow, 'cos he's got springs for legs! [Doing, doing!] Pogo the Monkey, the best new videogame for the whole family."
Kind: "I love you Pogo; you bounce!"
Vrouw: "Help Pogo escape from the evil research laboratory, where the mean old scientists genetically altered him! Uh oh, the pharmaceutical scientist is going to get you Pogo!"
Kind: "Here you go Pogo, have a gold coin!"
Vrouw: "Good thing Pogo has a banana cannon! Those nasty scientists deserve to die! Now get the shampoo manufacturers before they squirt it in your eye!"
Kind: "Here you go Pogo, have a diamond!"
Vrouw: "You'll guide Pogo through tons of adventures, including saving Timmy, who fell down the well." [6]
Timmy: "Help!"
Pogo: "Oeh, ah ah ah!"
Kind: "Here you go Pogo, have a big watch!"
Vrouw: "Rescue the cat from the tree with your banana cannon, Pogo!"
Kat: "Miauw!" [Boem!]
Kind: "Here you go Pogo, have a fast car!"
Vrouw: "And help Pogo trough his final mission. Storm the White House with his friends and become President of the United States!"
Pogo: "Iek!"
Vrouw: "Pogo the Monkey's the game kids are sure to stare at for hours! Everyone loves Pogo! Idiot Gamer called Pogo the best spring and simian game since Bouncing Bananas! Buy the game Pogo the Monkey today, right Pogo?"
Pogo: "Oeh! Oeh! Oeh!"
Vrouw: "And coming soon... Pogo the Monkey card game, Pogo the Monkey plastic dolls, Pogo the Monkey quilt covers and Pogo the Monkey car covers. For the dad who has everything, why not a Pogo the Monkey tie and sports jacket? For the lady in your life why not Pogo the Monkey chocolates and hygiene products so she smells like a real monkey? And for kids a life size, living, springing, breathing monkey, all available at PogotheMonkey.com!"

Opmerkingen

[1] Reed Tucker is in werkelijkheid een goede vriend van Lazlow. In GTA III slist Reed, wat Lazlow na gaat doen nadat Reed geprobeerd heeft het bureau in tweeën te slaan.
[2] "Roswell" verwijst naar een complottheorie die stelt dat er in 1947 een UFO neerstortte in de plaats Roswell. "Echelon" is een naam voor een organisatie van onder andere de VS dat zich bezighoudt met het afluisteren van diverse vormen van comminicatie. De uitroep "Free Kevin!" (Bevrijdt Kevin!) verwijst naar de hacker Kevin Mitnick, die ten tijde van de release van GTA III nog opgesloten zat.
[3] Walk for a Cure is een sponsorloop waarbij het opgebrachte geld wordt besteed aan onderzoek naar ziektes.
[4] Freddy belde al eerder naar Chatterbox.
[5] De Amerikaans-Australische oorlog is een terugkerende grap in GTA.
[6] "Timmy fell down the well" ("Timmy is in de waterput gevallen") is een cliché waarbij een hoofdpersonage gered moet worden, bekend van de televisieserie Lassie.


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