Chatterbox FM (deel 3)

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In dit deel horen we hoe iemand uitlegt dat scholen nergens voor nodig zijn, iemand die mensen probeert over te halen om naturist te worden, iemand die ons waarschuwt voor de gevaren van killerbees, en Maria, die zich afvraagt waarom haar nieuwe vriend nooit iets zegt. Het onderdeel begint met iemand die handpoppen als hobby heeft.

Puppetry Festival

Lazlow: "Alright, we're back on Chatterbox, let's... Eh... Go to the Chatterline here. Hello, caller: You're on Chatterbox!"
Gast: "Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware that..."
Lazlow: "Okay, now this is a radio show. We don't have viewers; we have listeners..."
Gast: "Eh, okay... Anyway, Lazlow, I just wanted to make your viewers aware the first international puppetry festival is next month at the fairgrounds, bro. If you're interested in becoming a puppet master, or a ventriloquist, you should definitely come down, dude, it's gonna be totally killer!"
Lazlow: "Heh, I wasn't aware that there was much demand for puppet shows these days."
Gast: "Oh man, have you been living under a rock, bro? Guys with puppets get chicks! I take my monkey puppet to the park all the time, we play hackey sack together, it's rad! But anyway, dude, at the international puppetry festival, we'll be having workshops on fingerpuppets too! 'Hello Petunia the Pinky, meet Barney the Thumb!'. String puppets, club puppets! Dude, it's gonna rock!"
Lazlow: "Hehe... Okay, thanks."
Gast: "Hope to see you there, Lazlow. Hey by the way, can you give me that guy Fernando's number?"
Lazlow: "Nah... I'm sorry, Fernando hasn't paid his bills to our adsales department. But here's someone who has. And they paid us in stacks of old groats and gold guineas. We'll be back after this..."
Medieval Millennium Fair reclame
Man: "Do you live in the boring suburbs but dream of living in a lonely castle on a windswept moor? Do you long to trade in your sweatsuit for a 100 pound suit of armour and swap your SUV for a noble stallion? Do you eat microwave dinners, all the while wishing you were roasting a succulent pig at a pagan banquet? Is your next ideal home-improvement a moat? Well get ready, Liberty City!"
Man #2: "This weekend and every weekend at Liberty City Park, it's the Medieval Millennium Fair! Our band of traveling minstrels, knights and maidens oh-so-fair are ready to delight you, with tales of the black death, witch burnings, and the joys of being a feudal serf. Forget about air-conditioning and modern medicine: we've got all the leeches, spells and potions you need at the Medieval Millennium Fair. Learn the art of cooking with turnips! Yum yum! Buy genuine reproduction medieval artifacts, including maces, double-handed battle swords, and one-size-fits-all chainmail. And this weekend only: pick up an authentic mechanical Lady of the Lake and Excalibur. It's perfect for your garden pond or swimming pool! And learn how to rid your condo of vermin using a penny whistle and a mysterious prancing German named 'Hans'! The Medieval Millennium Fair, every weekend at Liberty City Park."


Lazlow: "Alright Liberty City, you are listening to Chatterbox, the show that is the number one reason, for the success of the internet. Alright, let's take a call. Who's on the line?"
Gast: "Clothes!"
Lazlow: "What about them?"
Gast: "Clothes!"
Lazlow: "What are you talking about?"
Gast: "Lazlow, clothes! Clothes, Lazlow! I hate 'em, I just hate 'em!"
Lazlow: "Eh... We're a... We're all about opinions on Chatterbox, which is Liberty City's premiere phone-in station. But, why don't you like clothes?"
Gast: "I just hate them, they're so constricting! I mean does a lion wear clothes? And the lion is the king of the jungle! So why can't I, a humble citizen, go naked?"
Lazlow: "Well I mean I guess a lion has two distinct advantages over you. One, I mean you say a king, and therefore it can exercise it's royal prerogative to not wear clothes, and two, it's a cat, and therefore doesn't have to, and three, I mean, now that I think about it, if you want to try to dress a lion you can, but I guess what we're learning is that life can be a little unfair at times!"
Gast: "I'm naked, Lazlow! I'm naked!"
Lazlow: "I... You know, I really didn't need to know that!"
Gast: "Why Lazlow, why? Does it offend you? I was born naked, I'm gonna die naked! I'm going to live naked! So there! There's nothing wrong with being naked! It's so invigorating feeling the hot leather of a chair, or the cool wind from the North on your naked body."
Lazlow: "I... I... I'm gonna have to cut you off!"
Gast: "Don't you believe in free speech, and free expression? No, of course you don't: All you believe in is free drinks! I'm naked and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! I'm naked and I feel so good!"
Lazlow: "What about winter?"
Gast: "What d'you mean?"
Lazlow: "You know... I mean... What about winter? When the wind blows, and it's really cold... I mean, do you prance about like a ninny waiting for your privates to go blue?"
Gast: "I was born naked and I'm gonna die naked!!"
Lazlow: "Hehe... And all shriveled up by the sound of things!"
Gast: "Winter was invented by clothing companies! Clothes are unnecessary. They're ugly! Have you ever cooked in the nude?"
Lazlow: "Nah... Look, is this leading anywhere? 'cos I mean, we've got a lot of other people waiting to talk about real things here...!"
Gast: "Nudity is real! Open your eyes! Take off your pants, come on! Come on Lazlow, you can be a figure-head for Liberty City naturists! We have more members now for the first time since 1977. Nudity is back! A lot of people are into nudity and really understand the spiritual side."
Lazlow: "What? Hanging out with loads of naked chicks? I mean I see the fun in it, but, I just think that clothes have distinct advantages. Like... Like not accidentally cooking yourself, or... Or when you're working on a building!"
Gast: "We're not swingers! It's not about sex. It's about being one with the world."
Lazlow: "Alright dude, groovy, hug a rainbow. It's time for a public service announcement from Donald Love."
Love Media reclame
Donald Love: "Hello. I'm Donald Love. Under my guidance, Love Media has emerged as the fastest growing US run media conglomerate of the past five years. With newspapers, television- and radio stations across the US and the free world, alongside a wide array of industrial and technology interests, we at Love Media ensure you get the truth behind the story every time. From films to dog food, from radio to pop music, you can be sure of independent, quality led broadcasting every time you tune in. That's why we're the fastest growing cable supplier and health insurance provider in the north-east. And why our new satellite in China is something all Americans can be proud of. Here at Love Media we are proud of what we have done to help America, and to help hard-working Americans relax. For investment opportunities or information about our new interactive TV service, please go to"
Lazlow: Oh, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy."

Schools & child labor

Lazlow: "Alright let's go to line 8, hello caller, what's your name?"
Bob: "Bob. Bob from Pike Creek."
Lazlow: "Hey, what's up, Bob from Pike Creek?"
Bob: "Well, I been listening to your show, there's always people going on about problems in schools. Guns, people showing disrespect to teachers, drugs... Schools are breeding grounds for crime, ain't they?"
Lazlow: "Well, I guess it seems that way!"
Bob: "Well I got a real simple solution! Shut 'em down. Shut down the schools and you shut down the problem. No more dead teachers, no more angry students."
Lazlow: "Well, but you don't think..."
Bob: "No, I don't never! Now listen to me! It makes perfect sense! Kids these days, they complain a lot, but you know what? They cost even more! I mean shoes, books, toys, even special tiny furniture, pets, that sort of crap. It's all about me! Me, me, me, me! Well not my Johnny. No sir! Uh-uh! I'm learning him the value of good hard work. Learning him good. At three, we taught him how to clean the bathroom, if he left so much as one hair on the soap it was off to bed with no dinner! You know what? He went to bed a hungry only 20, maybe 30 times. He learned! Now, he brings his mother lunch in bed every day so that she can sleep in! Let me tell ya, everyone should have their kid serving up food! He even cooks for the whole family! These days he's getting to big to sweep chimneys, so now he's a paralegal at Rankin & Ponzer! He's seven, and he's making Madge and me twenty-three thousand a year. And on weekends, he doesn't go to the mall, play soccer, read, or do any of that kind of stuff! No no! He works in the basement of a marketing company making photocopies all night. Hell, he goes to sleep during the day, that's another eight grand right there! So now, I'm buying me a fast-boat trailer, what do you say to that?"
Lazlow: "Well, it sounds kinda like... exploitation to me!"
Bob: "Exploitation! Man, you bleeding hearts kill me! Johnny's mine, he's my kid, how can I exploit something I own? Exploitation, you sound like a communist! Kids in Russia, they don't work! That's why everything's so messed up over there! You have to wait one month for toilet paper! And their space station? It was made out of milk crates. I tell ya, we're conformed living it the American way! That, and the only thing more American is having folks work for ya!"
Lazlow: "That sounds a little opressive, and even despotic!"
Bob: "Exactly Lazlow, you hit the nail on the head that time! He's my kid, I'm telling ya, just shut the schools down, make the kids work! That book stuff's all for sissies anyway!"
Lazlow: "And doctors, and politicians, and lawyers and... Whatever, you know I can't even be bothered to argue with you, but I do feel sorry for your little Johnny, the seven year old cook chimney-sweep paralegal photocopier because... His daddy's an idiot! Let's take a quick break."
Maibatsu Monstrosity reclame
Vrouw: "Phil and I just had another kid. So of course we need a bigger SUV. Being a mom is hard, with soccer, football and lacrosse practice, so we bought the new Maibatsu Monstrosity. It's so big, we lost little Joey in the back and couldn't find him for an hour! When I'm rushing to the mall, or talking on my cell phone, I know me and my family are safe. The Maibatsu Monstrosity has 4 wheel drive, and in amphibious mode, it can cross rivers. So far I've only hit a few puddles, but it's good to know it's there. With the time I save taking shortcuts through the strip-mall parking lot I can focus on the important things. Like gazing longingly at the pool boy or buying more exercise equipment off the TV. So what if it gets 3 miles to the gallon!? I'm a mom, not a conservationist!"
Vrouw #2: The new Maibatsu Monstrosity... Mine is bigger!!"
Petsovernight reclame
Man: "Would you like a giraffe?" [loeiende koe] "Have one delivered! Just log on to, and we'll send you a giraffe, overnight. Delivering 'Little Bundles of Love', in a box, directly to your door!" [loeiende koe]

The world wide web, Maria Latore & Jeffs rally

Lazlow: "Alright, you are listening to Chatterbox, hosted by me, Lazlow, because I got kicked off the rock station. Let's go over here and talk to somebody about their life. Hello caller, you are on the air."
Linda: "Hi Leslie[1], my name's Linda. I just love your show. I always listen to you when I'm getting my colon irrigated. I just wanted to say something about the internet, you know, the information super-highway, the world-wide-web"
Lazlow: "Yeah, I know... All about it!"
Linda: "Isn't it amazing!? I mean it's just incredible. I know a lot of people say it's absolutely a load of crap, but how could they be so dumb? It's remarkable, I think. Think of all the things you can do. I mean, suppose you wanna buy a new CD, what do you do, Leslie?"
Lazlow: "I go to a shop... And the name's Lazlow!"
Linda: "I know Leslie, I'm a regular listener. Well I don't, I buy a CD online, and then, I rip the music into a different format, so I can listen to it while I'm jogging. I mean, it's incredible. I also like jazz, and cooking, and bestiality, so the internet is really good for my hobbies. I think it's amazing. I used to go out a lot, but I don't have to go out, ever again! I don't envy those kids with their stock options and their fast cars, they earned them! The internet has saved my life!"
Lazlow: "This is really going nowhere, do you have anything interesting to say at all?"
Linda: "Well... Uhm... Well, I once conceived the declaration of independence!"
Lazlow: "That's phenomenal! That's probably one of the reasons there's so many single men in this city! Alright, let's go over here to line 79, hello, you're on Chatterbox."
Maria Latore: "Hello... Uh... I... Is that Lazlow?"
Lazlow: "Er... Yes!"
Maria: "Heh... Oh wow, I'm on a radio, how exciting, oh thank you Lazlow! Uhm... Is this on the radio, I mean, am... Am I actually on the radio right this second?"
Lazlow: "Er... Yes you are! Er... I'm sure it's very exciting for you, but, eh... What do you want to talk about?"
Maria: "Oh man! I mean, what... What else is there, I could go on all day, but you know how it is, don't you Lazlow? "
Lazlow: "Er... Not really... Wha... What's your name, what did you call about?!"
Maria: "I... I'm sorry, I'm Maria, you know Ma-ri-a, like Mama-Mia, o... Only different, you know! But... You know... Men, m-e-n... It's a dirty word, but there's only three letters. Y... You know what I mean, I mean you broadcasters are all the same, aren't you, I mean I heard about you, you're always out on... Boys nights! "
Lazlow: "Wow! Wow! What are you talking about? I'm married!"
Maria: "Oh one of those convenience jobs to protect you, I bet? I know what you're all like! You know more about men than I know about leopard-skin furniture! So less of that clever stuff, and give me some advice! I mean, come on, I got real problems! You see, okay, I had this boyfriend, and at first he was real kind to me, he was a real gentleman, a little bit older and everything, but he treated me really good, and then it all went wrong, you know, I found someone else. He seems real nice, but, you know, he don't talk too much [2], and I really can't tell if he likes me! And well, I guess what I want to know is, you know, how do you tell if a guy is serious? I mean, you know, he treats me good, but he don't seem real interested in me, and he's always working and hanging out with the guys! Uhm... Say, you don't think he's like you, do you?"
Lazlow: "What do you mean like me?! What are you insinuating? That he's on the radio? Well, probably not. Uhm, you're listening to Chatterbox, where your opinion matters, or at least we say that! Let's go over here to line 4, hello caller, what's your name?"
Jeff: "Jeff from Rockford."
Lazlow: "Hello Jeff, what's up?"
Jeff: "I want to tell you and your listeners about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to make a difference. There's a rally tomorrow evening at the park. Starting at 7:00. Although we'll be painting banners and singing songs and all day to prepare for it. Then, when tens-of-thousands have gathered in the park, we're gonna march onto Town Hall. Lazlow, the people have spoken! And they have said 'No! Not in my town!' So folks, if you're listening, and want to make a difference, get yourself down to the park, and prepare to bring democracy back to the people."
Lazlow: "So, what's this rally about, Jeff?"
Jeff: "It's about people standing up and being counted. It's about the future. It's about telling those morons in the suits 'No thanks! Not in my town! Not while I have a breath in my body and hope in my soul! I will not, I cannot let this pass!'"
Lazlow: "Let what pass?"
Jeff: "It's about grabbing the town by the balls and saying listen son, either put up, or shut up! No more Mr. Nice-guy. No more easy solutions for difficult problems! It's about what it means to be an American. It's about giving something back."
Lazlow: "Giving what back, Jeff?"
Jeff: "Hope! Dreams! Belief!"
Lazlow: "Belief in what, I mean, look Jeff, I admire your passion, really I do, but what will people be marching for? What's your rally about?"
Jeff: "It's about justice, Mr. Low![1] A chance to shine and make a difference! About thousands of people walking side-by-side as brother marchers. Only one thing on their minds: the chance to make a difference! Bring your friends! Nothing shows a man how much you mean to him more than the chance to walk together for justice! Bring your kids! They can paint signs, and we'll even have a face-painter, and a vegan barbecue. Bring your parents, dude, even the elderly care about tomorrow!"
Lazlow: "I understand that, it sounds like a great rally, but we're not a political station and you haven't really told us why people should do this. What is it about?"
Jeff: "Look, look, do you wanna help or not?"
Lazlow: "I don't know what I'm helping!"
Jeff: "You're helping America! What kind of patriot are you? It's a rally!!"
Lazlow: "You don't know what it's for, do you?"
Jeff: "It's for hope. Please come, everybody! It'll be real good!"
Lazlow: "Alright, you fight the power, brother! Say, later on in the show, if your into health foods or martial arts, we'll have a special guest just for you. This guy is really special! Kinda like a romantic cruise, but he can't walk on water. Alright let's go to the phones, hello caller, you are on Chatterbox."
Gast: "Huh?"
Lazlow: "Hehe... You're on Chatterbox, what's on your mind?"
Gast: "Oh wow, I can't believe it!"
Lazlow: "Hehe... Do you have a question?"
Gast: "Dude, I call everyday, and I never get through. This is amazing, you do a great show man!"
Lazlow: "Heh, thanks! What's up?"
Gast: "No man, I'm serious, really great! You're like... a total inspiration!"
Lazlow: "Hehe... And exactly what have I inspired you about?"
Gast: "Well, okay, right now I live at home, but pretty soon, like next week dude, I'm moving out. It's the big 4-0 and it's... it's... it's just time to go."
Lazlow: "Okay... Did you have anything relevant to say?"
Gast: "Yeah dude, that bee dude was bogus! Really bogus! That's all, great show Lazlow!"
Lazlow: "I appreciate that, y'know that's why I went to broadcasting school. Alright, when we come back from these messages that help supplement my meager salary, we're going to talk to Reed Tucker, it's gonna be a great interview. We'll be right back!"
Eris Running Shoes reclame
Man: "A good shoe starts from the ground up. At Eris, we make high-quality footwear. In fact, you can find Eris Running Shoes in over 140 countries around the world. In the past, there's been some criticism about our workers! That's why I'm here at one of the Eris factories so you can meet some of them. Excuse me sir, do you enjoy your job here?"
Kind: "It's fun! We get to play with knives!"
Man: "I see. Is there a real sense of teamwork?"
Kind: "My friend Joey sewed his hands together!"
Man: "Wow, you're learning some real skills. How about the salary and benefits?"
Kind: "Yesterday, I made a dollar!"
Man: "You see, that's the kind of dedication we have to our employees, and the quality of our shoes. Eris Running Shoes. Always running... From something!"
Petsovernight reclame
Man: "Buying a gift for the guy that has everything? Log on to, we've got exotic pets galore. Including tigers..." [grommende tijger] "...Cobras..." [sissende slang] "...Manatees..." [mekkerende geit] "...and white rhinos." [loeiende zeehond] "All delivered overnight! Delivering 'Little Bundles of Love', in a box, directly to your door!" [miauwende kat]


[1] In diverse GTA's worden er grappen over Lazlow's naam gemaakt.
[2] Refereert naar het feit dat Claude nooit praat. De 'oudere vriend' waar Maria het over heeft is Salvatore Leone.

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