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Chatterbox FM (deel 1)

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In dit deel van Chatterbox FM in GTA III spreekt Lazlow onder andere met iemand die onder andere postduiven en wasberen verorbert, een vrouw genaamd Jane die haar mening over videospelletjes geeft, een SPANK-verslaafde die gelooft dat de overheid ons eronder houdt met tandpasta en de pas geëmigreerde Brit Freddy die geen kindermeisje kan vinden.

Ever ate possum?

Lazlow: "All right, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox, where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones. Hello caller, you're on Chatterbox!"
Gast: "Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating."
Lazlow: "Nah, I really can't say I have."
Gast: "Hell, ya aught to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good eating. Possum, racoon, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty good."
Lazlow: "Er, do you have anything else to say, or..?"
Gast: "Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes attached... It's like... A fortune cookie with wings.[1] Squirrels! Squirrels is not so good, they... Taste like goldfish... Meat's real stringy, ya know what I mean?"
Lazlow: "Erm, actually, I can't say that I do... Uhm... But if I did eat too much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the Dormatron! Unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night. Let’s learn a little bit more about it."
Dormitron reclame
Vrouw: "I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage."
Man: "She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!"
Vrouw: "The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-o-Sizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off. You name it, I've tried it!"
Man: "Eh... Except for exercising and eating right, porky!"
Vrouw: "That's right, honey! Then I found The Dormatron! Using a new technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, The Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on The Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while you have a relaxing night sleep! Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husband’s all mine again!"
Man: "That's right honey, no more escort services for me!"
Man #2: "Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! Call Dormatron now, at 1-800-SLEEPOFFLARD. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com, and sleep your way to a thinner, happier you!"
Maibatsu Monstrosity reclame
Man: "I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that can seat 12 and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra: It just makes me feel better!"
Vrouw: "The new Maibatsu Monstrosity... Mine is bigger!"

Lazlows name, Gardening with Maurice & videogames

Lazlow: "Heh, that's a good commercial. I love commercials, don't you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now. Hello caller, you are on the air."
Gast: "Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?" [2]
Lazlow: "Huh? Of course it's my real name!"
Gast: "Are you Hungarian?"
Lazlow: "Heh, no, I'm from up-state."
Gast: "Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names!"
Lazlow: "Do you have a question, or do you wanna just sit here all day and talk about my name?"
Gast: "No... That’s it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John, or Beverly, whatever your name is."
Lazlow: "All right, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your mind?"
Gast: "Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're known back home."
Lazlow: "Okay, here's the deal: this isn't Gardening with Maurice, that's on later!" [3]
Gast: "No, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible! Im-possible, I tell ya."
Lazlow: "Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today. Hello Jane."
Jane: "Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says "Mummy, mummy, where's the reset button?" Kids these days, they think life is a game. Well, it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame, called Pogo the Monkey..."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I've heard of that one."
Jane: "The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames. Lazlow, life does not have a reset button!"
Lazlow: "Right, but this show does..." *klik* "I love that button."
Lazlow: "You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if you're in our key demographic."
Donald Love: "Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest in entertainment together."

SPANK

Lazlow: "All right, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Gast: "I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh, you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!"
Lazlow: "Erm... What's your question?"
Gast: "SPANK! Spank SPANK! SPANK!"
Lazlow: "Hehe, what about it? I mean, that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this!"
Gast: "Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!"
Lazlow: "How's that?"
Gast: "Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I've read books!"
Lazlow: "And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?"
Gast: "Dentures: the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!"
Lazlow: "I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy later in life..?"
Gast: "I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!"
Lazlow: "Sir, er, this is a commercial radiostation owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals! We'll be back after these important messages."
Gast: "Hello!"
Equinox reclame
Vrouw: "I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes I'd get scared before an important event, such as childbirth, or a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help navigating life's trouble spots! That's when I discovered Equinox!"
Man: "After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me down. I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox, I've been employee of the month three times in a row!"
Man #2: "I used to fall unconscious for hours at a time, but now with Equinox, I never need to sleep."
Man #3: "Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your doctor about Equinox... Today!"
Disclaimer: "Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred vision, leakage, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do not take Equinox if you are operating any machinery, driving a car, pregnant, a child of low age, unhappy or if your family has a history of mental disorders.
Man #3: "Equinox. Softening life's harsh realities!"
Liberty City Survivor reclame
Man: "Tonight: The TV event that will make history! Liberty City Survivor. This takes reality TV to a whole new level! We'll take 20 recently paroled guys, equip them with grenade launchers and flamethrowers and let them hunt each other down! It's the reality show where you just might be part of the action!"
Man #2: "I was grabbing a sandwich at the Happy Blimp, and all-of-a-sudden these guys crashed through the window and started shooting at each other! I was so excited, I didn't even notice I'd been hit! After that, I was hooked on Liberty City Survivor! I watch it every day in the hospital!"
Man: "The game doesn't end until there's only one man left standing! Tune in nightly, or watch the 24-hour live webcast! Liberty City Survivor; Natural selection has come home! Sponsored by Ammu-Nation."

Short people, guns & nannies

Lazlow: "All right, we're back on Chatterbox, call us on the Chatterline, and tell us what's on your mind, line 4, you're on Chatterbox. What’s on your mind?"
Gast: "LIBERTY CITY COCKS RULE!!!"
Lazlow: "Aah, that's lovely, thanks. Next caller, you're on Chatterbox."
Gast: "That last guy was so full of crap. Everyone knows women are made from sand."
Lazlow: "Okay, great, another lunatic. Hello, next caller, you are on Chatterbox."
Gast: "Yeah, you were talking about short guys and attitudes. Well, you know you'd have an attitude too if you couldn't reach the frigging cheesy swirls at the grocery store."
Lazlow: "Yeah, I mean, sometimes it seems like the whole world's against you, I mean..."
Gast: "You know, we're not talking about you! What kind of ego-maniac are you? You got your own show, how about letting other people talk for a change? You're all the same, you giants: "Oh, I'm tall, I'm so important, listen to me talk about my tall stuff. I think I'll put this on the top shelf. Hey, what's the weather like down there? How's it going short-stuff? Can you get that, you're closer. Why so sad, pee-wee?" Who do you think you are? Short people are people too!"
Lazlow: "All right, another awardwinning show on Chatterbox. Today we're talking about anything, it seems. If you have something to say about anything, call now. Hello caller. You're on Chatterbox"
Gast: "Yeah, hi, I love the show, love hearing people's opinions, that's what made this country great. People. And opinions. And stuff. Most of all, guns. I've had it with people whining about guns kill people, guns don't kill people, death kills people. Ask a doctor, it's a medical fact. You can't die from a bullet. You can die from a cardiac arrest or organ failure or a major hemorrhage, small piece of metal ain't the problem. Besides, I only use my machinegun in the safety of my own home and car. I ain't hurting nobody. And countries that don't have guns ain't American."
Lazlow: "You know that's a really good point. Countries that don't have guns aren't American. You know, if more people had guns, we'd have less shootings in this country."
Lazlow: "All right, we're going over here to line 2, hello caller, you are on Chatterbox."
Gast: "Yeah, I'd like to say something about taxes."
Lazlow: "You mean the Lone Star State?" [4]
Gast: "No, taxes. Well, you know, look, taxes are really wrong. My father worked his whole life, he played the lottery, and now the state wants him to pay taxes on the money he wins from that stuff. Buy your own lottery tickets, you know, hey?"
Lazlow: "Good point, that's a lesson to us all."
Lazlow: "All right, hello, you are on Chatterbox."
Freddy: "Hello Lazlow, I'm a first time caller. I recently moved to Liberty City from Hampshire, in England."
Lazlow: "Oh really? How do you like it? I mean, is it hard to get used to the language? You speak English pretty good!"
Freddy: "Oh thank you Lazlow. Yes, I do like it here. There's one thing though that's very different and rather worrying. When I was a boy in England, I had a nanny. She was very strict, Lazlow."
Lazlow: "Yeah, well, I mean there's excellent child-care here in America, eh... You know?"
Freddy: "Well, well I'm sure. But, but the thing is Lazlow, when, when, when I was a naughty boy, I, I, I... I would get spanked. Nanny... Nanny would spank me, when I was naughty, and now... Now Freddy needs a nanny, because when Freddy's naughty, he needs to get spanked."
Lazlow: "Well, there's some child psychologists, who'd probably say that spanking can be harmful to a child's emotional development."
Freddy: "Ab... Ab... Absolute rot, Lazlow. It's lovely. Freddy needs a nanny. He needs a nanny Lazlow, because Freddy's been a very naughty boy."
Lazlow: "How old is your son?"
Freddy: "Excuse me?"
Lazlow: "How old is your son?"
Freddy: "I don't have children! I can't stand the little brats! But Freddy needs a nanny..."
Lazlow: "All right, that's enough of him! God, who gave this guy a green card?"

Opmerkingen

[1] Later klaagt iemand van C.R.A.P. dat haar postduiven verdwijnen
[2] In diverse GTA's worden er grappen over Lazlow's naam gemaakt.
[3] De radioshow Gardening with Maurice verscheen later (chronologisch eerder) als programma van WCTR in GTA San Andreas.
[4] The Lone Star State is de bijnaam van de Amerikaanse staat Texas.


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