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The Time Ranger

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Michelle Montanius I’m Michelle Montanius. Now, one from the archives of old time radio from before this was a public station. A show that first aired 40 years ago: The Time Ranger.
Narrator The Vice City Broadcasting System and American Oil and Motors present: The Time Ranger! He travels through time, hunting the biggest game of all, public enemies that try to destroy our America. He’s Ernest Keigel, a man of mystery. Well… a student of science and polygamy. A man who has a time machine in his pants. That, when he masterbs, he travels back in time to right wrongs, save women and pleasure himself. With his sometimes lover (when he’s intoxicated), the lovely Trixie Lane. The Time Ranger meets up with danger tonight in: Boxing the one-eyed clown!
The Time Ranger Ohhh… Boy, oh boy, oh boy… Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Lane Ewww, heavens Ernie, do you have to carry on like this every night?
The Time Ranger Quiet Lane, quiet will ya? Why are you always emotional at the wrong time?
Lane Oh Ernie…
The Time Ranger Don’t Ernie me! Go sit in the corner you dumb gluck! This is something I gotta do. Not just for me, not just for you but for everyone. My, when I take out my time machine I can go just about anywhere. My mind wanders, see, and I’m a union soldier storming into the home of a defenceless southern slave-owner. Or at a roman orgy somewhere with a centurions helmet on. Or the girls locker room at a high school at some godforsaken town. Now if you pardon me tuts, I shall go in the commode there and travel back in time! Be back in about 5.
Narrator And so our hero travels back in time. Where to? He never knows, wherever he is needed most.
Richard Sire, why are thy getting intimate with thyself in the corner?
The Time Ranger Waah, say what? You can’t see me, I’m uh … completely invisible. Now don’t break my concentration, kid. I must have travelled to the wrong place. I wanted to be in a Viking town with a couple of milk maidens sampling the dairy products. You get the idea…
Richard But I can see thy. You’d better put that thing away; mother caught me doing that and made me…
The Time Ranger Alright stop I don’t need to hear your personal history story son. This is my time machine, see? And by the way, it’s not in ordinary.
Richard I bet, cause it sure is small.
The Time Ranger Knock it off, I don’t need to know what I already know, alright. Hey, who knows, maybe I’ll travel back to high school and save Mary one more time, from marrying that awful Bounder, who became a disreputable senator! Oh Mary, you’re some cheerleader. Let me have that... pom-poms! What’s that doll? Under the bleachers? You got it! Yes… Hey, don’t give me the cold-hard stare kid. When you get middle aged and spend each day in self-loathing, you’ll understand. Believe me, you will. Hey, by the way, tell me, what year is this anyhow?
Richard They sundown say it’s 1175. This is England, dragons roam the land and we are also invested with clichés.
The Time Ranger Tell me about it.
Richard Well, you can travel the future!
The Time Ranger Ahh, yes of course I can, don’t you listen? I told you that’s where I’m from. I’m The Time Ranger. I like to travel through time and fight injustice. So tell me boy, what do you do for fun?
Richard I like to torture animals and slow kids.
The Time Ranger Good for you.
Richard Tell me more about the future!
The Time Ranger Well kid, let me tell you things are a little different there. Might want to get a quill and write this down, you could learn something. Let me tell you a few things of live ohh… 800 years from now. First off, there’s a big difference between excitement and what you call uh…arousal. But these new fangled penny arcades will give you either, at any time. Next of... <classic music interrupts>... sometimes use special potions and mammalians and robs and augments to make uh, what do you call them uh, testies reach the floor. You know what I’m talking about, testicles, family jewels. And women, they paint their faces yellow and are sometimes called Brian, walking the streets of the village. Uh. And that, my boy, is the future, like it or not.
Richard mum Hello Richard, have you burned those plague victims yet? Who are you talking to?
Richard Mother, mother, this is my new friend.
Richards mum Why I don’t see anybody. I need you to get all things killing those lepers. But first, empty the chamber postulants heads.
Richard No really. It’s the Time Ranger. He’s from the future. He says in the future, unicorns go around pleasing women.
The Time Ranger Well they try anyway…
Richards mum Well that sounds interesting...
Richard I’ll say, the future sounds super.
Richards mum Now, don’t you and your invisible friend get hot under the collar. I don’t want any more of your silly ideas, all the erotic fixation indeed. Tell me, does my pocks look okay in this tob? The king is coming by to take me elicitly.
The Time Ranger Huhu how are you doing doll? Forgive me, nice to meet you. I’m the Time Ranger.
Richards mum Good heavens! It’s a ghost!
Richard No, it’s the Time Ranger!
The Time Ranger That’s what I just said…
Richard He’s got a special mini-thingy, that when he rubs, helps him right the worlds wrongs. He showed me.
Richards mum You did WHAT with my son?!
The Time Ranger Don’t get your knickers in a twist sweetheart. I kept it on the up and up with the boy. Now, while it sounds confusing, it is in fact completely natural, and my own empirical research has definitely proved you don’t go blind, which is lucky for me. Besides which, I am from the future and now, I know my mission. I must save you from this awful king who is coming to have his vicious way with you. I must overthrow this maniacal moron and establish a… a democracy! Yeah! Where people are free and everyone has cars and uh double enders! Yeah, that sounds about right.
Richards mum Well well well well I appreciate your kind offer. But to be honest, since my husband got slaughtered by the Gothic hoards, I rather enjoy the kings’ visitations. It’s the only action I get! Besides, which his waters has gone black and the other is dead soon.
The Time Ranger I got no clue what that means sweetheart, but it does sound pretty awful.
Richards mum Aw well times are tough since the black death took one on three. The king ensures we have enough grain, he drowns the witches and protects us from the dragons and…
The Time Ranger Alright, alright I get it. This king must die; you don’t got to spell it out for me.
Richards mum Well we all must die. We all must die, but the real question is, will we go to the fiery pits to burn in eternal torment, or will we really suffer haha.
The Time Ranger That’s where you’re incorrect dollface. You see, I’m from the future like I told you. From 1938. Where I live it’s just heaven. Why, we even had a brief period recently where cocaine could be purchased from a pharmacist and the cheerleaders never grew old.
Richards mum Oh! That future sounds awful. Time Ranger, leave us to burn the lovers in peace. Your time here is done.
The Time Ranger Then Madame, if you’ll excuse me, I must enter the dark recesses of time through this special portal I carry about my person.
Richards mum Oeh! Fiery heavens! Richard, emerge your eyes!
Richard Awww, it’s so small
Richards mum The Time Ranger is a eunuch… ohohohoh
The Time Ranger I heard that tuts.
Narrator And so our hero travels in time once more. Where to? He never knows, wherever he is needed most. And whichever way his time machine points him, sometimes forwards, sometimes backwards, always fun if you're open minded.
French girl Oh la la, monsieur! What are you doing with that little gherkin?
The Time Ranger Aw, shut it mademoiselles, nothing. You see, you can’t see me. Go boy, ghe, that’s better! Anyway, I’m uh, from the future.
French girl Tout a l’heure! This I know nothing about. But these are terrible times. People are being slaughtered.
The Time Ranger What, what? We can’t have that. But fear not young lady, the Time Ranger is here! My time machine must sense a disturbance.
French girl Yes, <Frans gebrabbel>
The Time Ranger Whatever that means… But tell me, who is committing this monstrosity anywho?
French girl It’s the revolting little peasants. The scum, they want gold, not to be reaped. I mean, whoever heard of such a thing? They’re peasants monsieur, and as such we must piss on them and now they have cut off the heads of too many people. This is a tragedy.
The Time Ranger Alright, alright, alright! Turn off the water wax already you’re soaking my loafers.
French girl Oh sorry.
The Time Ranger Now you just bring that heathen bosom right over here. Yeah, a little closer, that’s it. Fantastic. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna rest my “time machine” right between them. Likes a little change in pace once in a while to keep things spicy. Now with my magical powers, I will bring down the revolt and restore order to the world and eventually, well, piece shall reign.
French girl Oh monsieur, you are my only hope.
The Time Rancher Alright, yeah, now don’t be alarmed sweetheart. You will feel a gentle rocking, keep your hands to yourself but I assure you it’s quite safe. Uh yea, quiet safe oh yea, yea... <slap>
French girl I am a good girl! You only do that with the executioners and blood relevants.
The Time Ranger Lucky them.
French girl I’ve already had one slow child.
The Time Ranger Well, that will be on your head, you foxy French girl. Come on let me have at ya.
French girl Oh no, monsieur Time Traveleur. The peasants are rising up to take off our heads.
The Time Ranger Ah, the peasants aren’t the only things that's rising.
Narrator Will our traveller be safe? Will he survive the angry French mob? Will his travel machine return to full working order? In that perky French bosom? Who knows… find out next time on: The Time Ranger!
Jonathan Freeloader Wow, it’s a shock that show was taken off the air so fast 40 years ago. But anyone with talent was storming Normandy. We’ll have more from the archives of the Vice City Broadcasting System again soon.
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