Pressing Issues deel 1: Morality
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In dit deel is het onderwerp 'morality', oftewel 'moraliteit'. De gasten die uitgenodigt zijn om hierover te discussiëren zijn Pastor Richards, de manisch depressieve Jan Brown en de naturist Barry Stark.
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Maurice Chavez: “Thank you guys. So, we’re back on ‘Pressing Issues’. Just wait for the fine shows you hear, if you have the patience to listen to public radio. Although thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended playtime and is the number one rated show in the Vice City area. I’m your very entertaining host; Maurice Chavez. A man climbing the broadcasting ladder in a rate of six nuts. Six years ago, I was a clown. An now, I’m a succes! Think about it! Imagine where I could be in ten years! I could achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, build tools to beat eachother over the head and dicovered how to make meat to celibrate with afterwards. Then, Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim disco’s. Why? All very confusing if you ask me. And you did. And I asked myself: That is a perfect subject for a regionwide discussionshow. Which is very lucky, because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality, we have firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Organisation. A group which plans to raising enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against Populair Culture. Or M.A.P.C. Or is it Mapc? Map-C..? I don’t know... And finally, we have Barry Stark, author of the book ‘As Nature Intended’. He’s the editor of Vice City’s Naturist News, working feverously, it says here, to bring more nude recreation to Vice City. To protect the dignety of our other finalists, we plce mister Barry Stark behind a divider.”
Barry Stark: “I’m naked back here! It’s my regist of person!”
Maurice Chaves: “Yes... Let’s start with the obvious, yes? Is it moral to be naked?”
Barry Stark: “Yes! You can’t stop me!”
Jan Brown: “Well, I’m a mother, so I have to deal with this issue everyday. My adorable kids have learned that it’s wrong to be naked. When it’s bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That’s also the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things!”
Barry Stark: “Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven’t worn clothes since 1982. Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn’t you guys learn anything from the Sixties? I had a revelation when I was on holiday in Germany. I always felt very constricted. Then it hit me, like a slipery fish: Clothes are plain wrong! When you’re born, you aren’t wearing any clothes. When you die, you aren’t wearing any clothes!”
Maurice Chaves: “I’m going to have to interrupt you here. What if you die at work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you, while you’re working?”
Barry Stark: “Clothes leads to immorality! Nudity stops people from fighting! Have you seen that issue on National Geographic lately? People around the world are nude. You don’t want to shoot a machinegun, or a Howard, or a flame thrower, if you’re naked! It could burn or scold a personal fashion! Quite frankly..! Have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked! If every one was naked, there would be no war! Everybody is complining about crime, theft of cars in the city. No one ever stolen my car! No one ever pickpocketed me! They never even tried!”
Pastor Richards: “That’s because you are a degenerated loony!”
Barry Stark: “If the police were naked, it would set a great example to every one. You can do traffic, and eat doughnuts entirely in the buff!”
Pastor Richards: “Maurice, this kind of immoral behaviour is exactly why I’m building the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah had an ark, Texans had the alemo, and I am building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50-story statue will be able to deflect alpha, gamma and bèta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon, when the artificial suns will rain down to punish the degenarates of this city. But you can save yourself! The Pastor Ricards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have can food rations, private living quarters and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted forty thousand years of nuclear winter. In fase II, and with funding from NASA, we’ll equip this massive statue with rockets, so when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we’ll load up the statue with all the people who saved themselves with generous donations, blast into space and colonise Saturn with a race of morily correct, affluent people, ruled be me!”
Barry Stark: “Hmmm, will there be naked people?”
Pastor Richards: “No, turt-brain! It’s more the corrupt people like you we’re shielding ourselves from! Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh..! They’re the ones responseble for the nightmare Vice City is today! The crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of weigh-lock into a futre of hopelessness. Any one who does not agree with me is mentally sick and shoot be shot, I’m afraid to say... We need to build a place to escape these transgressions.”
Maurice Chavez: “Phew..! That’s extreme stuff, pastor! But we’ll leave amateur eugenics for a minute and ask our other finalist. Jan, you’re a mom, so you know everything. What is your thought on all this. And do you think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from the movies, or book?”
Jan Brown: “Well, yes, I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special, they go to special classes. Now, I teach my kids history to give them perspective. Last night I was telling about how Michellan sailed through the Street of Michellan and met some friendly natives; They gave him supplies. Uhm, then he had to kill all of them. And that’s an important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you’ll see many species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially true of hamsters. It’s about putting the family first. That’s really important to me! And, where a lot of my morality comes from! And, if you don’t like it, find your own husband, and stay away from mine, okay?!”
Maurice: “O-kay... But, and excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I don’t think I understand!”
Jan Brown: “Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and working out what’s best for my kids and screw any one else. That’s what this country is all about. I mean... I mean... I saw the Hippies: What a load of clubtramps! What’s your kid gonna do at school with a name like ‘Moonbeam’ or ‘Wave’ or ‘Horse-radish’ or whatever they call them... How can you take your kid to a little lague game when you live in a comunal farm growing drugs? It’s awful! And that is what my life is about! Looking down on others!”
Maurice Chavez: “Yes, I think I can see that now... Moving on. Pastor Richards, in your book, you talk about putting yourself first, and how people should not make sacrifises or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate?”
Pastor Richards: “Oh, that’s right. People need to learn how to take care of themselves and not to depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for some one that needs help, is to tell them to help themself. That builds moral character. Morality, Maurice. There’s not much left in this city. Everytime a culture has taken on the doctrum of helping your fellow man, they got thrown back into the Dark Age. Look at Russia. They keep trying help eachother out, extend a hand to a neighbor. And guess what? Every ten year, some one is invading, burning down their homes and taking their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the Hun, all of them. After you read my book you will understand. I may have been born in the see, but I’m no dummy!”
Barry Stark: “Are we gonna talk about being naked..?”
Maurice Chavez: “Yes, soon, Barry. Keep your hear on, and calm down, please, my friend. Divorse rates are up. Standarised test scores are down. Vampire sightings at the mall. Can the family be saved? Or, to put it in another way, if we’re ment to be monogamous, why weren’t we born already married? Jan, over to you.”
Jan Brown: “Well... Since I’m a happily married mother, I know the family-unit is the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how important the family-unit is in life. He’s working hard, so I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it!”
Maurice Chaves: “Go on. Tell me more about... Your family.”
Jan Brown: “Uhm, well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it’s one big planet, even if we do just want to maim and kill eachother. Especially me. No, look at sharks and sandworms. One of my hobbies, beside making babies and critisising people, is biology. You learn so much from nature. People these days, they don’t grow their own food! They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the supermarket. I tell you, there is nothing super about that place! Now, kids these days, they don’t know how to preserve and can their own food. No wonder, all they wanna do is play videogames or hang out with their friends. What is it? The Degenotron? What a crank o’ shit!”
Maurice Chavez: “Hey, watch your language, this is radio, we have regulations about that sort of things.”
Jan Brown: “But you let a naked man on?”
Maurice Chavez: “Ah, he’s behind the screen, you can’t see him! It’s not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash. You’ll get the picture.”
Jan Brown: “Imagine one? I’m married one! Anyway, what was I saying?”
Maurice Chavez: “Eh, you where discussing the Degenotron, which I understand is a games machine. Then you swore.”
Jan Brown: “I’m sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son, Patrick, the third, I heard him using slang words, in the house the other day. ‘Rad’ and ‘cool’ and ‘Stick it...’. I mean, I beat him to within a inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly.”
Maurice Chavez: “What..?”
Jan Brown: “No, don’t interrupt me. I’ve got children, you know, please! This is really important. It’s about the family. Look, look, nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before he got that tractor-pull-accident. My daddy thought me how to slaughter a pig. That’s very usefull information. Oh, sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room, with a fork and a fat saw and told me he’d be back in an hour for some fatpacks and hotjogs. As a mother, I am proud to say I throttled the life outta that little piggy. I did it for my family and I’ll do it again. Feeding the family is my job, as a mother. Daddy earns money, and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking... Where are my pills..?”
Maurice Chavez: “Barry, you look you’ve got something to say?”
Barry Stark: “I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked are the best kind of families. You see, social class distingueses disappear when every one is naked. I can’t tell if you’re rich or poor, black or white. It doesn’t matter because we’re all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer around: Mother Nature. That’s why we’re lobbying to build a naked casino in Vice City, so all people can gamble naked, and poor people can loose hope in the buff!”
Pastor Richards: “It is written, chapter 23, verse 5 of my book: He that gambles his money away is a fool, but he who believes in me will go to spend eternity in space with other afluent, well-to-do people. It’s that simple. Do what I say and you won’t have to think for yourself.”
Maurice Chavez: “Oh, but I think it is, pastor. You look around: Nudity clubs, disco’s, drinking. Do people want to be moral? Can you legislate morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives?”
Pastor Richards: “Absolutely! Yes! Of course I can! Just look at prohibition, or the Cultural Revolution in China. We can learn a lot from history. Mao or Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates and intelectuals, the scum of the earth in my book. And look at the great societies they build. People want to be told how to act, and most people are idiots, that’s exactly who my teaches appeal to. This lawless permissive societie has no bounderies. And without bouderies, how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what’s Good, and what’s Evil. You need some one to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it’s a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt, unnecerely in my opinion.”
Jan Brown: “I agree. I don’t think these people understand how hard it is to bodytrain. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy. My kids are bigboned, and they eat prunes every day, but that’s what’s wrong with this country. All this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry, I hand them a spear and send them to the park to catch their own food. They’re learning how to be self sufficient. Yesterday, my youngest, Yono, killed the postman. But at least he was trying. So I gave him a cuddle and told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.”
Maurice Chavez: “O-kay... It’s time to take a break, before we hear about anymore criminal acts against government employees. You’re listening to Pressing Issues. Morality is the subject and let’s explain exactly how free radio without commercial breaks works. We’ll be right back.”
Jonathan Freeloader: “You’re listening to VCPR. Finally, a radio station for teachers and librarians. You’ve been enjoying Pressing Issues. But as is normal, you can’t listen to on hours with the programming on this station without us begging for money. It’s the Bi-Daily Beggathon, here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage, untill you phony up some cash.”
Michelle Montanius: “You know what’s so great about VCPR? It’s like a shining torch of cultural enlightment for Vice City. In these times of darkness, when the hords are so uneducated they can barely understand multisalatec phrases like ‘Clean my shoes better, mister, or I’ll report you to the IRS.” or diolectual materialism. Isn’t it pleasent to have a patrionising voice on the radio?”
Jonathan Freeloader: “That’s right, Michelle! But the way things go under Reagan, any moment the unwashed Huns from the mid West can decent upon Vice City and enslave the poets and postworkers and force us to watch network programming.”
Michelle Montanius: “That is a frightning thought. But, as with many things in life, you can throw money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR is your personal public radio station. But, you have to open your wallets.”
Jonathan Freeloader: “That’s right. If you pledge at the one thousand dollar level, you’ll get tickets for ‘In The Future There Will Be Robots’, at the Vice City Art Centre.”
Michelle Montanius: “People who had seen that show see it’s difficult to put into English. That must mean it’s spectacular!”
Jonathan Freeloader: “Yes! But if you don’t give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age! Liberals will be set on fire on the streets. Give now! Let’s return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio! Useless, talentless, asshole...”
Michelle Montanius: “You’re correct, he is an asshole!”
Maurice Chavez: “I love those guys! Really professionals! The living prove that all of the best talent isn’t on commercial networks. These people do it for love, because they have integrety, just like me. We’re back with Pressing Issues. I’m Maurice Chavez, winner of five public radio awards in the Vice City area, including ‘Best Voice’. On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we’re discussing morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions: ‘Why are we here?’, ‘What time is it?’ and ‘Is there a place around here a guy can get a drink?’. Early man, as seen in the caves of Lascot in France, questioned the morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened then. Is it’s society’s job to tell eachother how to live? Recently, my city considered passing a public curfew that said nobody can be on the streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn’t get passed. But it made people think! If you don’t vote, you’ll get morons in charge. Is that moron? I’m not sure! Let’s Press the Issue!”
Barry Stark: “Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew makes sence! You know how much money I saved not having to wear trendy clothes? Read a history book. At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, every one was naked, even you! Why do I have to stay behind this devider? Maurice, please?!”
Pastor Richards: “Because nobody is interested in seeing your... business. Because we have standards of decency which you are ofending.”
Barry Stark: “Look at me! I’m jumping up and down!”
Jan Brown: “Oh my goodness! Get back behind that devider! Please! I’m married!”
Barry Stark: “What’s so wrong with me? Why do you hate me? Because I’m happy? Jan! Give me a hug..! I won’t hurt you! And beside of things, your husband is doing the same right now with his secretary.”
Jan Brown: “No! We worked through it! He was stressed, it’s hard keeping a family together these days.”
Barry Stark: “Every one! Take your clothes off and feel what it’s like to be free of bondage. Every one out there in Vice City; Take your clothes off. If this is the land of the free, lets’s start with our pants! Feel the wind of the airconditioning! Oh, a breeze is so liberating!”
Maurice Chave: “Eh, thanks very much. Now if you could get back behind that divider, Barry, please. Otherwise I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you. Eh, now sit down. On Pressing Issues, we think it’s very important to respect one and other. To treat eachother like we would like to be treated.”
Barry Stark: “I want a hug..!”
Pastor Richards: “If you don’t like the United States, son, why don’t you move to Russia? I don’t understand the people in Amrica today. They call this a Cold War, but it’s hotter than Hell. Mark my words; any day now you’re sitting in school, passing notes and talking about the prom, when suddenly you look out the window, and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over! What can you do? Run into the woods with your friends, call yourself the Wolverines? Put twigs in your hands, trying to beat back the Ruskies? No! You hightail at the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast into space! But there’s a limited amount of space. That’s why I suggest any one who wants the safety and securety of your own bunker: Give now, call 866 – SAVE ME. We’ll get you on the payment plan and if you paid in full on D-Day, you and your family will be saved. If not, you may have to choose to save yourself, and leave the others behind.”
Maurice Chavez: “Hey, hey hey hey! Stop selling things on my show! You’re not a valueble sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.”
Jan Brown: “I, for one, welcome our new russian masters. We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India, the women protest by setting themself on fire? I tell you; Next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop I may just douce myself in kerosene! I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it’s no wonder they’re so screwed up. That’s one of the though things about beinig a mom; Not ruining their lives with guilt. As a matter of fact, I don’t let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks.”
Maurice Chavez: “Really..?”
Jan Brown: “That Knife After Dark movie may be number one in the box office, but my kids certainly ain’t gonna see it. If you don’t raise right, they end up like nude-boy over there, or working in radio. I want them to get proper jobs, like being a doctor, not a patient.”
Barry Stark: “That is offensive! My mother understood I was special. She made me wear a bonnet as a child, and when I demanded to go to school naked, she was fine with it! After Social Services moved me, she would still write to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbuy...”
Maurice Chavez: “But Barry, earlier you said you discovered naturism taking your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.”
Barry Stark: I know, but I like lying. Er, I got a lot of personal issues. Look at me! Please, Maurice, I need a hug..!”
Pastor Richards: “There’s another example of immorality in this city: Public showing of affection. People think we wonna see the making out and carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal, and you wonna ravage one and other like there’s no tommorow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling. Like construction! We’re building a statue and we need your help! Call me now!”
Jan Brown: “You know, pretty soon you won’t be able to tell who’s a human and who’s an android. Why? The corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school: ‘It might be an android; Sucks your brains out!’ You must have seen the miniseries of that on television? I read about it, in a book! We’ve got to stop looking at the stars, all this science fiction and focus on the family. Now, if you really wonna dance like you’re on the moon, go there, and leave us in peace! And that’s a fact.”
Maurice Chavez: “Eh... What’s a fact?”
Jan Brown: “I’m sorry, Maurice, but I have to tell you: I moved to Florida to bring my kids up the American way, in a theme park. And that’s just the kind of person I am: Opinionated and moronic.”
Maurice Chavez: “I see..! Well, this panel is certainly interesting. The issue is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aid to Alaska with the song ‘Do they know it’s the 4th of July?’. Critics complain it’s immoral to meddle in the affairs of other people and cultures. Pastor Richards,...”
Pastor Richards: “What?!”
Maurice Chavez: “Eh... ...what do you make of meddling in other peoples business, like an overopinionated sociopath?”
Pastor Richards: “Well, let me say that money could have gone to many much better things, like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. But I digress and plug...”
Maurice Chavez: “Stop doing that!”
Pastor Richards: “Don’t interrupt me, boy! Anyhow, I adress the Alaska issue in chapter 23 in my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple. They eat whales..! And snow! And they sleep in the freezer! How wants to eat snow everyday?! Oh, I tried the Hell. I send a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat! If the people of Alaska choose to live their, let them. But don’t come crying if you’re tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day.”
Maurice Chavez: “Yes, but don’t you think it’s important to...”
Pastor Richards: I think it’s very important to listen to me, young man. That’s what makes the state of Florida great. Rather to help improve where they are, people nationwide abandon their hometowns, come down here and shove their beliefs down every one elses throat. That’s the American way, always has been. We should send some pictures of Florida to those people in Alaska. I tell you, they’d throw down their bear pelt, saddle up their sled dogs and get pulled al the way to Vice City! And I should know: I’m from Mars!”
Maurice Chavez: “No, you’re not..!”
Pastor Richards: “Eh... Mars, Alabama, I founded three colleges there...”
Barry Stark: “The problem of Alaska is that people don’t get naked. If you can’t work on your car, or play the cello, or use sharp knifes in your birthday suit, then what’s the point of living?”
Maurice Chavez: “Eh, well, it is a bit cold there... People put on clothes when it’s cold..! We evolved without a warm covering of hair.”
Pastor Richards: “That’s a lie, sir! We come from the great meteor of Frug!”
Barry Stark: “Clothes are a habit, like shaving, taking out the trash. As soon as you stop, you realise what a prisoner you were to society , and a twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral. Well: We’re not! I’m married, I love my wive. In our commune, it’s wonderfull to wake up in a big bed, and go to breakfast, clothed in nothing but a smile.”
Pastor Richards: “What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?!”
Barry Stark: “Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it’s like to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio and a stick in your hand shifting gears over, and over... Truckers realise there’s nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get naked, and beat it on down the line! You’ve never seen a sence of community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything! The cooking, cleaning, wives..! A shear sence of what it’s like to be a complete social outcast.”
Maurice Chavez: “Eh, wait right there, Barry, I’m getting something through the cats... eh, headphones, that is. Yes? Eh, okay. Eh, we just want to tell you a little more about public radio funding. We’ll be right back after this.”
