Pressing Issues (public safety)

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In dit deel is het onderwerp public safety, veiligheid. De gasten die uitgenodigd zijn om hierover te discussiëren zijn Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw en John F. Hickory.

Public safety

Maurice Chavez: "Thanks guys! Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Pressing Issues on VCPR. That's Vice City Public Radio. Radio which gives the public exactly what they want: high quality educational programming about serious topics and the consistent reminder that the world is going to hell in a handbasket if you don't give us money. Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded entirely by donations by our listeners, and corporate sponsors. So, if you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I am Maurice Chavez, and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable discussion group in which we ask self-important people exactly what they think about things and then they argue amongst themselves for a bit. Before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek principle of feeding wisemen hemlock and the American principle of being annoying and loud so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell. Now, the subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious one: public safety. In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a very safe place. These are troubled times. We are a troubled people. Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are at war with reality. Those who live in other countries and strive to own our fast food restaurants and Quick-E-Marts would say we are a blood-thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the super markets. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other. It happens because they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation or something." Another view is that we are all a little confused and really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything as quickly as possible. So, let's Press the Issue, eh? Sitting at our panel right now, we have three divergent opinions. Three separate items of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wisemen following very different stars. To my right, to everyone's right in fact, we have congressman Alex Shrub; the youngest state congressman to ever be elected by Vice City and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!"
Alex Shrub: "That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most base instincts. Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record straight."
Maurice Chavez: "I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend. Let me introduce my other guest first."
Alex Shrub: "I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love Vice City more than anyone, and I can prove it."
Maurice Chavez: "Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyway, our next guest is from the opposite end of the political spectrum. A man so wet, he looks like he just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert taper, founder of the group Speaking for the Underdog. He is fluent in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw."
Callum Crayshaw: "Hi, Maurice! Hola. Buenos dias and noches. Bonjour and buongiorno. Wilkommen. Allo, hello, hi!"
Maurice Chavez: "Let's stick to English. Most of us struggle enough with that. Welcome to Pressing Issues... And lastly, we have a man with a noble solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet, like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this fine show because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you John F. Hickory."
John Hickory: "How y'all doing?"
Maurice Chavez: "Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, the number one rated show on public radio in the Vice City area and hosted by me, Maurice Chavez. Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other hemlock, literally or metaphorically."
John Hickory: "My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri. I tell you what!"
Maurice Chavez: "Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I will only step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don't forget what my voice sounds like. So, I want a clean fight. Nothing below the belt on in the chops. And remember Maurice's motto, which a very wise man, my father, once told me: "If you listen, one day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test." That's so important I think. Don't you? So, congressman, let's start with you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low, everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger, metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good job?"
Alex Shrub: "Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Chavez. In 1980, when I was elected, you were, according to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor... And despite going up for seventeen auditions that year, you only got work as a fluffer in a sex ad video. Your tax returns show that you earn less than $2,000.=. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry for you and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column, that lines my bird cage, you got an ex-wife and an attractive girlfriend although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of living under my administration have been bad for you?"
Maurice Chavez: "Ahem. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Maurice."
Callum Crayshaw: "Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we Press the Issue?"
Alex Shrub: "You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the field, and listen to rock & roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile, Crayshaw, I know your father. He's made a lot of money which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the Orient who wants to share. Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere. I don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor and to look at the world from the other side. I slept my way to the top."
John Hickory: "Ahem, if you two would stop, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to slither into this great state from all places north."
Alex Shrub: "Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells to talk!"
Maurice Chavez: "Enough! We've just started and you have proved yourself, Mr. Shrub, to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an exploratory phase and besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a funny act! Once voted the best up-incoming dietary restrictive comic act in the whole of Vice City. I tried to take it to the Catskills, but Mount Scarylarge was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We are talking about you."
Alex Shrub: "Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win. Mary the Meat-Free Mime won. In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you vegetarians will be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and bicuspids for a reason: to open packages of potato chips."
Maurice Chavez: "Hey! Don't get me wrong! I always hated that bitch! What's funny about a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from the slaughterer's hands? Or her big act: I am a Milk Cow: a Lactating Machine for your Breakfast Cereal? How do you think a little kiddie enjoyed that on his birthday? Not very much. There were tears, not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be stopped!"
John Hickory: "Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more issues than a newsstand! Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't got all day!"
Maurice Chavez: "What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to get to? You have some chicklings and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh?"
John Hickory: "Hey, be nice man! I just want to talk a little politics and you made it all personal."
Maurice Chavez: "Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Shrub. I've got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amok with a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book sales are down. What do you think, John F. Hickory. Please, Press the Issue!"
John Hickory: "All right, that's better! Sticking to the matter at hand. Well, it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are floodin' into our state from all over America. Trash! It's quite simple. They're bringing their high-polluting, upity, out-of-state ways and corrupting the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization propose we take Florida out of the Union. We start anew as our own country and ban people from Missouri or Kentucky or Philadelphia or any of them fancy places from settin' foot on our soil!"
Alex Shrub: "You think what? Heh, have you been snorting blocks? Have you read the Constitution? "
John Hickory: "Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Florida from the stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation. Build your own damn theme park in your own damn state! Florida theme parks is for Florida people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't go to Alabama to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?"
Maurice Chavez: "Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe there are theme parks in Alabama."
John Hickory: "Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land or whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all over the so-called "United States", guess what? There's no more room! We'll be piled on top of each other like they are in Australia. What we're going to do soon, is build a river. A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast and cuts us off from the 47 states of wastrels and bad influences to the North. We are going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out to sea. Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over. There be no long-ass lines at the log flume or pirate ship ride when I take over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a rollercoaster for each and every Florida family!"
Maurice Chavez: "You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so whole-heartedly in free speech are we allowing it."
John Hickory: "It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate Yankees! By which I mean anyone from Georgia or further north. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We're going to build ourselves a river! FBI, CIA... I don't give a damn! They can't stop us. You, Shrub! You yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrite! What have you done for Vice City up there in Washington?"
Alex Shrub: "I've ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate developers, and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25 cents per household, over a six year period."
Callum Crayshaw: "At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor people have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate in, someone brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must stop."
Alex Shrub: "So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You're beginning to sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and sickle over a hamburger."
Callum Crayshaw: "I'm not little. I'm 5'5". It's time for corporations and all of capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You're not saving this planet, you're spending it. Your credit is no good here. We can't afford to loan you anymore of our nature. Those are our trees. I only wish I could be around a little longer to enjoy it. I feel so old. Someone must take my legacy. I must train a little me!"
Maurice Chavez: "How old are you?"
Callum Crayshaw: "I'm 23, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything. I've seen a lot of the world."
Alex Shrub: "What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a clown with dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladmir."
John Hickory: "I agree with that. People from other countries are good for nothing, that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson. I tell you what makes a real man. A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on."
Callum Crayshaw: "I'll tell you. Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a very narrow-minded, in-centered man of peace: travel. I recently went to Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really see what's wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a journey, public transportation, health care, leather shorts, moustaches. When I went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally-friendly coal mine. We've all got to make some sacrifices if we're going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there."
Maurice Chavez: "But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying about whether they are going to get robbed? What drives a man to just take?"
Callum Crayshaw: "What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama, so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It's a lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad's money."
Alex Shrub: "Listen Trust Fund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic. It's no wonder that mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo."
Maurice Chavez: "Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero. But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline!"
Alex Shrub: "Nobody is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something pal, I'm better than that. I will not, I shall not, I cannot stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate mano a mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve, the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of government, the hideousness of my wife and the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh, sure, some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend, and it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely get up in the morning."
Maurice Chavez: "And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break to tell you something very informative. You're listening to Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio. Over to you, Jonathan."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Hello, and welcome back. I'm Jonathan Freeloader and you're listening to VCPR. This portion of Pressing Issues is brought to you by Ammu-Nation, a proud supporter of public radio and our community. We hope you're enjoying Pressing Issues and the way it challenges your view of society. Unfortunately, public radio in Vice City is under pressure. That's because we're better than everyone! You can't hear this kind of hard-hitting, long drawn-out programming anywhere else. But, you have to give money."
Michelle Montanius: "That's right, Jonathan. Money is important. It can be exchanged for goods and services, like getting a hip replacement or funding a starving child in Australia."
Jonathan Freeloader: "I feel all covered with flies right now! Call us. Pledge your money. Give 10% of your income. That's all we ask, and for that you know everyone can be educated on the important things we discuss on VCPR! "
Michelle Montanius: "10% is a really small amount. I remember when I was volunteering in Central America, to make myself appear less shallow, the native peoples would give you 10% of their land for a pair of mirrored sunglasses, and they would run around me saying, Chicle! Chicle!, which is Español for "pretty woman" [1]. It was very spiritual, like waves!"
Jonathan Freeloader: "Absolutely! But remember: this radio station could disappear. The voice of unprofitable radio could be silenced. One day you wake up, roll over, and she's gone! You go into the kitchen, there's a note sprawled, the sound of a taxi leaving in the distance, a thunderstorm rolls in... It's a metaphor for my haircut, or this pledge drive."
Michelle Montanius: "Yes, the pledge drive. Become a member. Only members, or people with radios, can listen to this radio station. Now, back to Pressing Issues."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Shouldn't we give out the phone number?"
Michelle Montanius: "Like I tell the children at the library I volunteer at: "Look it up yourself", "No, you can't go to the bathroom", and "Stop crying!""
Jonathan Freeloader: "That's good advice. Now, back to Pressing Issues."
Maurice Chavez: "Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. On our panel, we've got the successionist lunatic, John F. Hickory; Liberal rich kid, Callum Crayshaw; and neo-facist congressman, Alex Shrub. Gentleman, welcome back. Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the 'F'?"
John Hickory: "For "Florida"! I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin!"
Maurice Chavez: "Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: public safety. How do we get guns under control in this city?"
Callum Crayshaw: "By giving everyone hope... A dream of a better tomorrow. By encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What's the satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a ho, planting seeds in a peasant village?"
Alex Shrub: "Keep your "hoes" and "seeds" to yourself. We don't need gun control. If you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn't vote, but the liberals come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare-mongers and non-believers, men like you Chavez, under control. I've got a good mind to have your funding removed."
Maurice Chavez: "We don't get any funding."
Alex Shrub: "Exactly. But... Good! You won't see a penny out of me! You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm not afraid. The Constitution inserts a man's right to bear arms, and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun, or a bear causing problems? This is all cockypop, or... whatever that word is. It keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and popping and locking and... Not a hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency, by force if necessary, and starve."
Maurice Chavez: "That is quite simple. Are you really saying that?"
Alex Shrub: "Of course I am. Vice City is a growing city. Of course there are going to be some growing pains. What I tell people is this: gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it, and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission. Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom, the Shrub-inspired boom, and enjoy the kind of things sensible people have: personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason."
John Hickory: "No, no, no, no! Keep them outta here! We do not want anymore old folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes! Florida does not want you! Please, die somewhere else! What's wrong with Nevada or Kansas? We want a river! We need a river! The Freedom River."
Maurice Chavez: "And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise."
Callum Crayshaw: "Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. And that's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey."
Maurice Chavez: "What are you talking about?!?!"
Callum Crayshaw: "I'm talking about hopes, dreams, the magic of television. Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot."
Maurice Chavez: "Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA group meeting recently?"
Alex Shrub: "Baseball is our national sport, our national passtime. Joining together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez."
John Hickory: "I hate that spring training. Who do those guys think they are? Comin' here and gettin' in the way, showin' us no respect! Drinkin' our orange juice and seducin' our womenfolk! Train in your own home, mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is diggin'! Diggin' a big ditch. A ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom. So far, we've dug seventeen feet. We're almost free... Almost! When we are floatin' away in the Caribbean Sea, free to run our way, singing, "Kumbaya!" in the sunshine! No school, no tax! Free barbecue and pinball for everyone! Sophisticated entertainment!"
Maurice Chavez: "Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there saying, "I like being part of America. I like it a lot! I get public radio! I can hear Maurice Chavez! I own a small, one bedroom home. A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic. Three or four radios, all turned on to VCPR. A dog. Fifteen ice cubes. But I don't feel safe. I'm worried about gangs.""
Alex Shrub: "Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud? The dream of America is to live in a duplex and share a yard. Why would anyone want to threaten that great future? Answer me that and I'll show you a green dog."
Callum Crayshaw: "And, Speaking for the Underdog, the foundation I set up with my trust fund. We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people's identity. A grouping, a community within a community. Gangs are a way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spray paint our names on the walls at the mall to ward off predators."
Maurice Chavez: "And that's supposed to terrify people?"
Callum Crayshaw: "No, no! We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to life's problems. Gangs have to learn to love. To be inclusionary. We'd award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear. It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness, not a garden tool."
Maurice Chavez: "Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street, or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him?"
Callum Crayshaw: "Or her! Some of the best bikers are really women. Anyone can join our group. This is about poor people getting together."
Maurice Chavez: "But your father owns half of Florida. How are you part of the working class?"
Callum Crayshaw: "Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I'll pick up a hitch-hiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a young woman and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called it peace."
Alex Shrub: "Your father is a great man. He's done more for the arms trade in this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with this socialist jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny. America needs hope, not songs that are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere. This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people, or being in government and laughing at the electorate."
Maurice Chavez: "Now, now, Mr. Shrub. Let's not make this personal. I appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to Press the Issue! Vice City is in trouble, and I think we are not really providing any serious solutions. So far, we've got successionism, rearing it's ugly head for the first time in a century and a half. We've got "ignore it" and we've got "give everyone a flower"! You're all a little unrealistic, yes?"
Callum Crayshaw: "Maurice!"
Maurice Chavez: "Not to say, "over-opinionated and moronic," Mr. Crayshaw, how do we stop people running amok in the city with machine guns and heavy artillery?"
Callum Crayshaw: "You got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more. Free them from themselves."
Maurice Chavez: "How... How on earth do you do that?"
Callum Crayshaw: "Well, uhm... You can let them off..."
Maurice Chavez: "Marvelous, great! That's a sensible plan!"
Callum Crayshaw: "Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore!"
Alex Shrub: "We've been doing that for years, you idiot. How do you think we keep prison costs down? It ain't by magic or cooking the books, we say that for education, but as in most things we in government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing. Sharing your taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now."
Maurice Chavez: "Hm. I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids laughed at you and called you a square."
Alex Shrub: "That's a damn lie! They called me "Wet Fart"."
Callum Crayshaw: "They called me "The Bat", because my voice didn't break until I was nineteen."
Maurice Chavez: "So, Mr. Shrub, I take it you don't believe in regulation."
Alex Shrub: "I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly."
Maurice Chavez: "But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools."
Alex Shrub: "Yes, we've made a lot of progress!"
Maurice Chavez: "And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences."
Alex Shrub: "Not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it."
Maurice Chavez: "So, with people being set such a bad example by big business, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force."
Alex Shrub: "Well, I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved, halved under me, Alex Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you'll have a friendly face in the White House. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes."
Maurice Chavez: "Just a minute..."
Alex Shrub: "Don't interrupt! Let me finish."
Maurice Chavez: "But you're not..."
Alex Shrub: "This man won't let me speak! You, shorty! Shut up and let me speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Shrub! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!"
Maurice Chavez: "Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to answer the question."
Alex Shrub: "I'm a professional. That's my job."
Maurice Chavez: "And Mr. Hickory, what about you?"
John Hickory: "Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north. The state is filling up with trash: people who can't tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh. Guys who don't know the first thing about the legality of marrying within the family. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your spades, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you can. Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded in ruin, and then, they'll have to leave. We must build a moat to the North or they will come down and ruin this great state."
Maurice Chavez: "And Mr. Hickory, were you born in Florida?"
John Hickory: "What a stupid question! Of all the cheek!"
Maurice Chavez: "Were you?"
John Hickory: "Of course not! No one's been born in Florida since 1877! But, I've been here five years which is a very long time."
Maurice Chavez: "Yes, it is! A very long time. Almost as long as this show. Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio. I this episode of Pressing the Issue, we had Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, and John "Florida" Hickory discussing safety. I've guess you've all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish, or a corrupt, money-grabbing thief? Gentlemen, I feel we really got somewhere, and that Vice City and people everywhere know a lot more than they did before we began. And now, over to Jonathan and Melissa [2] to talk to you about public radio in your area."
Michelle Montanius: "You're listening to VCRP, the radio station for disoriented and unrealistic college professors who wear fuzzy sweaters and find everything terribly interesting. I'm Michelle Montanius."
Jonathan Freeloader: "And I'm Jonathan Freeloader! Public radio is very important. You may have heard my recent hour long story about my hike in the park."
Michelle Montanius: "That was fascinating, and very important for everyone, even the blind. Play a selection, Jonathan."
Jonathan Freeloader: "I think this is the part where I came to the big tree."
Michelle Montanius: "I almost felt like I was there. You won't get this kind of nauseating detail on commercial radio. VCPR is 100% commercial free. Absolutely nothing interrupts your enjoyment of our fine programming and ability to tackle the important things like Jonathan's walk in the park, but we need you. Think of yourself as a member of this station, except you aren't allowed in the doors. That's an important metaphor for life."
Jonathan Freeloader: "Yes, how wonderful would it be to own an hour of this radio station! We just got an enormous pledge from Farewell Ranch. That's great! Farewell Ranch is a great place to take your loved one. Just dial 866-9-BURYME. Remember, VCPR is commercial and interest free. Donate your money now! Let's get back to Pressing Issues."


[1] Chicle is eigenlijk Spaans voor "kauwgom".
[2] Maurice noemt Michelle hier per abuis Melissa.

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