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Chatterbox FM (deel 2)

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In dit onderdeel krijgt Lazlow onder andere Fernando Martinez in de uitzending, met wie hij een interview houdt. Daarnaast luisteren we naar iemand die ons duidelijk maakt hoe nuttig het is om je kinderen te slaan, en iemand die belt (!) over haar wrok jegens de telefoon.

Taxes

Lazlow: "This is Chatterbox, we are talking about short guys, nannies, taxes and anything sane you'd like to bring to the party. Hello, you are on Chatterbox."
Gast: "I was listening to that caller about taxes. His views are a little extreme. How do you expect to be a responsible member of society if you don't understand how the government spends your money? Why are people afraid of numbers? Sine and cosine are two of the elegant incredible discoveries of humanity. I mean, the Cartesian co-ordinate system has an elemental power I find invigorating and even sexy. And I'm not ashamed to say it."
Lazlow: "Okay, thanks for calling. Now that we've lost 98% of our audience let's reward the other 2% with a commercial. When we come back we'll have a special studio guest, special because he advertises on this radio-station. Remember, it's not a conflict of interests if we own all the radio-stations in town. We'll be right back after this message."
House of Tomorrow reclame
Vrouw: "In today's fast paced world, a split second can be the difference between achieving your dreams..."
Man: "Hey, I just won the Nobel Peace Prize!"
Vrouw: "...And not..."
Man #2: "I wonder if wrestling's on tonight!"
Vrouw: "More Americans are realizing if you don't have the latest and greatest technological devices... You will fall behind!"
Man #3: "I didn't upgrade my personal organizer, and two days later I was diagnosed with a terminal illness!" *kuch*
Vrouw: "That's exactly why you should come visit the friendly people at House of Tomorrow and they'll set you up with all your twenty-first century technology needs."
Man #4: "I only spent $20,000 and now I can get e-mail in the shower or surf the Internet while I'm driving. I was bored stupid, at my daughter's recitals and my son's little-league games... Thanks to House of Tomorrow, I can play wireless head-to-head 3D virtual reality poker... Literally anywhere!"
Vrouw: "If it's a flash-in-the-pan technology of absolutely no use to anyone, you can find it at House of Tomorrow! Remember: only technology makes life worth living. House of Tomorrow: we'll upgrade your system then you can upgrade your life!"

Fernando's New Beginnings

Lazlow: "And now it is my great pleasure to welcome Fernando Martinez, who it says here is the founder of 'Fernando's New Beginnings,' a revolutionary new way of saving your marriage. Fernando: welcome."
Fernando: "The pleasure is mine Lazlow. It is an honour to be here, I feel blessed."
Lazlow: "Eh, thanks, so tell me about 'Fernando's New Beginnings'."
Fernando: "Truly Lazlow, it is a miracle, a blessing. It is a revolution in the marriage guidance. For my people, marriage is... How you say... Sacred. The bond between the father and the mother. It is made in heaven. And, in the bedroom, if you know what I mean."
Lazlow: "Uh... I think so... Heh..."
Fernando: "For my people, it is the holiest, most sacrosanct thing imaginable. Like a church. Yet, for it to be a happy marriage, it must also be like a brothel. The woman, she must be many, many arts. The skill in making house, cooking, changing the diapers on the babies, and... she must also be a hore. A vixen in the bedroom. Imaginative, exotic, constantly fresh. It is impossible. You change diapers and then you are a French maid? Fernando thinks not. Fernando knows not."
Lazlow: "Well, I mean, you know, it's an age old problem, I mean, how do you keep the excitement in a marriage?"
Fernando: "Excitement, exactly! Passion, danger. How, Lazlow, how? Tell me how and I give you a big, big kiss! Like I give a woman. But I am not going to give you a big kiss, not a kiss like I a give a woman, or even a donkey. Because, because: you do not know!"
Lazlow: "Well, I mean in this case, ignorance... Eh... Kinda seems like bliss... I, eh... I wasn't really up for kissing on air... Or I mean..."
Fernando: "Why not Lazlow? Am I not attractive? Am I not irresistible even to you? Well no matter. Why all this talking about kissing?"
Lazlow: "I mean, you brought it up!"
Fernando: "No my friend! You say, you not want to kiss me. I was talking how to say, hypothetically, you make me all personal. Is a big difference. If I say, 'imagine if your wife was ugly', you can nod your head. But if I say, 'Hey Lazlow, your wife, she look like yesterday's dinner after I eat.', you not so happy. It is a big difference, my friend."
Lazlow: "Anyway..."
Fernando: "The marriage is impossible, Lazlow. If a man was born an angel, maybe it possible, but a man... is born... a man! And a man with needs... he needs a woman to tuck his babies into the bed, but for his bed he needs something else. Something magical. A dream. Sueño..!"
Lazlow: "So he starts flirting with his secretary, he takes her out for a drink, one thing leads to another, and before you know it, he's found all kinds of uses for the office furniture."
Fernando: "Exactly Lazlow. I know what you are like. I see it in your eyes. A wanderer. A dreamer. A man who has needs. But admit, and I can save you. And I can save your marriage."
Lazlow: "Hehe, my marriage doesn't need saving, hehe!"
Fernando: "Hey you are the one mentioning the pretty assistant and the office furniture, and the ai, caramba my friend. Listen, Lazlow, and listen very closely. Your marriage is a gift, it is a present from above. You are a man, I think we see by now you are no angel. I can save you. For when the man, he sees wife all fat, all ugly, with the dirty diapers and the dirty babies and the scrubbing brush, who knows what else, he's not thinking marriage bed, he's thinking about what you thinking about your pretty assistant. We already know that, see."
Lazlow: "Erm... Go on..."
Fernando: "But Lazlow, what if you act on your fantasy. For your little secretary with the short skirt and the pretty eyes and the 'come-here-and-do-this' smile, and then what my friend? What then?"
Lazlow: "Uhm... I’d get a sexual harassment suit!"
Fernando: "If you are lucky, my friend. But you, more likely, your marriage is ruined, Lazlow. Your sweetheart, she hates you. Your pretty secretary, she wants you to be her man. You back here to square one. My friend, you, and a thousand men like you, for me, once it was so, but then one day, I was driving my car, and I realize: 'Fernando, you are blessed!' You, are a miracle, a thousand miracles rolled into one. You save the marriage, and, you save the man. You don't put the marriage first, and you don't put the man first. Maybe, we call it 'Man Marriage.' Then I think to myself: No, this is a bad name! It sounds really dumb. Then I think, we cal it 'Fernando's New Beginnings.' Because that is... what it is: a new beginning, Lazlow!"
Lazlow: "So, how does this work?"
Fernando: "It is a miracle Lazlow, a miracle. A man is a good father, a loving husband, the winner of the bread; six and a half days a week. On the spare half day, I save his life."
Lazlow: "How?"
Fernando: "By giving him what he needs, in a controlled environment. I give him passion."
Lazlow: "What? With you? That kinda sounds like a limited market!"
Fernando: "Lazlow, you are very prejudice, and I no like that. But no, not with me. Passion for life. Passion for love. Passion for women. Which he can take home to his wife, of course."
Lazlow: "What, so you act like a pimp?"
Fernando: "Not a pimp, little man, a savior. In a controlled environment I re-introduce the man to a pleasure he has lost. To the miracles of the world. And truly, the results are remarkable. With my unique counselling, a thousand marriages have been saved, and a million more could be saved, everyday."
Lazlow: "Hehe... And... And do the wives know about this?"
Fernando: "In their hearts, Lazlow, they know they have been saved."
Lazlow: "Eh... Okay. We're gonna open it up to the phones. If you've got any questions for Fernando Martinez, exotic marriage guidance made easy, ring us now. Eh... Hey cool, we have a caller on line 1! Caller: you are on Chatterbox."
Jerry: "Hey Lazlow, hey Fernando. My name's Jerry, and I'm a first-time caller, and I just wanted to say: Hey Lazlow, you were real tough on Fernando back there. I'll tell you one thing... He's a miracle worker! He saved my marriage... And I married a bus of a woman! Now I don't feel sick every time I open my eyes!"
Fernando: "See Lazlow, you see? I remember Jerry so well. He come in, he is like a broken man. But a half a man... A 'ma', if you will. He has no 'n' anymore, and his marriage is killing him! Where is the passion? She is gone, replaced by ugliness. You see, Lazlow, Mrs. Jerry... She is not a pretty lady! She is more like an offensive line, a tiger, big and hairy, but fertile. She gives Jerry five kids. But she is even bigger. Now she is like a whole offensive line. He feels no pride in himself. He has no pride in his marriage. He is ashamed of this wonderful lady, who bears him so many young. And he comes to me, and he cries: 'Fernando, save my marriage, I love my wife, even though she is a fat porker!' And I say 'Jerry, you are a man. It is a mans duty to love his wife, even if she is like a farmhouse.' Now, Jerry is saved."
Lazlow: "By... Sleeping with other women."
Fernando: "Whatever it takes to save a beautiful union. A blessing."
Lazlow: "A beautiful union by a... an adulterer and queen Kong! That's great. So, er, who's on the line now?"
Janice: "Hi Lazlow, this is Janice. I love the show, and always wanted to call in, but you really offended me today. Who is this gutter-trash you have on the show?"
Lazlow: "Hey Janice, I share your anxiety... The studio kinda... Forced him on me!"
Fernando: "Hey, you watch yourself mister, and you, Janice, why are you so ugly? Your husband, he’s not make you happy?"
Janice: "No, he's an idiot! And a jerk!"
Fernando: "But he's probably a good daddy, and you sound very pretty, angry, and a little bit of a know-it-all, but very pretty lady. This is the thing, Lazlow. The women, they think the New Beginnings is only for men! But no, it is for women too! For Janice, if her husband goes to New Beginnings, he thinks that you are wonderful, all over again, and, in the extreme case, maybe she come to work for me. And she get a new beginning herself! She discover the excitement and the passion all for herself. Listen, Janice, you call me: 555-9292."
Lazlow: "Hey hey, listen. Don't try to pimp-out my listeners!"
Fernando: "That is a very ugly word. A travesty. I work miracles, señor, not pimping! I save, I give the passion back! And you better watch yourself buddy, because for my people, we take these insults very personally. And then, you no longer Mr. Talk-Show, you Mr. Who-Cut-Out-My-Tongue."
Lazlow: "Hehe... Who are your people anyway? I... Which exotic location do you come from?"
Fernando: "I am... I am Latin."
Lazlow: "Heh, Latin is a big place there buddy. Eh, where in Latin?"
Fernando: "I do not need to listen to the insults. I have pride, I have a calling. Many are called, but few are chosen, my friend. And I was called, and chosen, to work a miracle!!"
Lazlow: "So, eh, where were you called from, Fernando??"
Fernando: "From up-state, okay, you happy buddy now? I'm not real Latin, but I provide real Latin passion. I work the miracles, everyday. Listen: Wives! children! If your husband, if your daddy, he not happy, send him to me, Fernando, in exchange for a few hours a week, I give you the world!"
Lazlow: "Get off, get lost, you're just a cheap pimp from up-state, get out of my studio!"
Fernando: "I save your daddy, I save your husband! It is a miracle...!"
Lazlow: "Get outta here!!!"
Fernando: "It is a miracle!!!"
Petsovernight reclame
Man: Would you like a kitten...
Kitten: "Miauw!"
Man: Have one delivered! Just log on to PetsOvernight.com, and we’ll send you a cute kitten, overnight. PetsOvernight.com: Delivering ‘Little Bundles of Love,' in a box, directly to your door!"
Lazlow: "And now it's time for a public service announcement from station owner Donald Love."
Donald Love: "Hello. My name is Donald Love. You're listening to a Love Media station. Enjoy!"

Spanking kids, Killer Bees & C.R.A.P.

Lazlow: "Alright, we're back here on Chatterbox, the radio show that never gets old. I'm Lazlow, with open ears and a closed mind. Hello, you're on the air, what's your name?"
Gast: "I wanted to talk about spanking!"
Lazlow: "Oh God... Not another one!" [1]
Gast: "I say spanking kids is the only way to teach them right from wrong."
Lazlow: "So you think that teaching kids from an early age that violence is the solution to problems will make them valuable members of our society?"
Gast: "Exactly! I knew you'd understand Lazlow! My daddy used to whoop the tar out of me. He once hit me so hard my spleen fell out of my ear. Didn't do me no harm. Look at me now, I'm the best pestcontrol guy in east Portland. I've killed more rats, roaches and vermin that you can imagine, and I love it. This is such a great country, I wouldn't be where I am today if my daddy hadn't beat me senseless."
Lazlow: "Heh! what are you talking about? Man, I'm starting to believe that guy about the fluoride in the drinking water! Listen, if there's any sane person left in Liberty City that can hear my voice, please, call the show right now, this is an SOS, going out across the city!"
Lazlow: "Hello caller, you are on the air. Are you sane? Uh... Are you a sane caller?"
Gast: "Absolutely Lazlow. Killer bees!"
Lazlow: "K... Killer bees?"
Gast: "Yes, killer bees! Did you know that if the current migration North continues, we will all be dead in three years? Do you want to become a bee's supper? I don't! That's why we must act now! Killer bees must be stopped!"
Lazlow: "I wonder why more people aren't talking about this, I mean, killer bees swarming, and it sounds pretty serious!"
Gast: "Ah, but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them! They are like sheep, they are going to take over!"
Lazlow: "Alright, thanks caller. Ants, killer bees, fat people, what's plaguing you? Call now! Chatterbox. Hello, you're on the air!"
Gast: "Er, yes. I'd like to say something about these damned people on trains and buses in this city who yammer on and on into their cell phones. I'm really glad to hear about what your having for dinner! What we should do, is herd them up, and put them on an island. I am the President of a group called Citizens Raging Against Phones."
Lazlow: "CRAP?!"
Gast: "Exactly!"
Lazlow: "Your organization's called 'Crap'... What kind of moron are you? You wanna round people up for using a phone? But you... You’re calling up on a phone to tell the world about it! I... I mean, how many people are there in this 'Crap'?"
Gast: "Citizens are raging against phones, Lazlow!!"
Lazlow: "How many people?"
Gast: "There are three of us. It's hard organizing meetings without the phones, though. We've had to resort to carrier pigeons, and they keep disappearing..." [2]
Lazlow: "What are you speaking to me on? What... What's that in your hand?"
Gast: "I am not the problem! You are! And you're perpetuating the downfall of mankind! Liberty City was great before phones ruined everything."
Lazlow: "Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture and three houses when the telephone was invented!" [3]
Gast: "Liar!!"
Lazlow: "You're the liar!"
Gast: "Liar, liar, pants on fire!"
Lazlow: "What are... Are you... Are you three years old?!?"
Gast: "Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar!! I bet that isn't even your real name"
Lazlow: "Shut up!"
Gast: "You shut up!"
Lazlow: "Stupid!"
Gast: "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!"
Lazlow: "Oh... We're going to commercials!"
Sue Your Boss reclame
Man: "Is your job affecting your health? Do you become fatigued? Does working take time away from family and social events like watching wrestling? There's an easy solution: Sue Your Boss!! See, the great thing about this country is you can sue anyone for pretty much anything! And you'll probably win! Or at least get a settlement! At the firm of Rakin & Ponzer personal injury attorneys, we can show you how falling down and howling like a sissy can result in a large damage award from your employer. We also specialize in awards for injuries suffered in auto, bus and train accidents! And can even train you to throw yourself in front of a bus and pretend to be injured. Hey, that's why they pay for insurance! Call the law offices of Rakin & Ponzer, and get ready to enjoy a life of luxury!"

Opmerkingen

[1] Refereert naar Freddy, die het ook al over spanking had.
[2] Haar postduiven verdwijnen omdat een andere beller ze vangt en opeet.
[3] New York, de stad waar Liberty City op gebaseerd is, was in feite al een welvarende stad in 1876.


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